I know, surprise!

I know, it sounds crazy, right?

"Who takes a break from college when they're so close to finishing their undergrad?"
"What could possibly cause them to press pause and put things that could potentially move them forward in life on hold?"
"Just one semester left? Why couldn't you push through??"

The answers?
Me.
And there are several reasons, actually, as to why I couldn’t just “push through.”

And to give some context, I'd like to provide you with a “life update.” I’m going to tell you these reasons, and in doing so, hopefully, accomplish two things; tell you a little more about me, and help you prevent yourself from making the same mistakes as me.

First, here’s a little information about me and about why I didn’t enroll in classes for this fall semester.

The past two-two and a half years have been very, very difficult for me emotionally and mentally. I have a learning disorder, and history of clinical depression, anxiety, and dealt with the depression and anxiety for 12 years to varying degrees and severities (possibly another story for another time).

I have also had some really tough struggles with loneliness, fear of man, cyclical thinking, racing thoughts, subconscious isolating, and withdrawal. I really didn't get a summer break before I started my senior year (I know, boohoo, a lot of students don’t, but this was new for me, okay?). I was taking six hours of classes while working at a job that was really physically demanding and exacerbated my lower-back issues. And, I discovered that, as much as I love being active and busy, it is impossible to live life moving at full-speed all the time.

I need my times to REST. And to really rest, I need to make time to do and truly enjoy what I'm passionate about and invest my time in things I tend to have to put on hold during the school year on account of trying to actually do well in school.

What I wish I had realized before I had set myself up to hit a serious breaking point this past fall was how important real rest — doing things I enjoy and things that make me feel refreshed — actually was to me physically, emotionally, and to the health of my soul.

I also wished I had acknowledged my pride, done away with it, and realized that I had unmet needs that only God could meet and deep and unaddressed wounds that only God could heal me from.

Last year March, God reminded me of things I had lived through and experienced in my past to show me what it was that He would be healing me from. I wasn’t sure when that would happen or what it would look like. I was confident in God’s desire to heal me. I just didn’t know what God would ask me to say “yes” to in order for that healing to start taking place, or when.

And somehow, in the meantime, I had convinced myself that I could tackle the same load that I saw other women my age, and younger, have in their lives. But I forgot to take into consideration my history with mental health issues, and I took a big bite out of life.

And it almost choked me.

This is what my Fall 2017 semester looked like:

In August, I started working at a place in Waco that I'm still absolutely in love with.
I was enrolled in 13 hours of classes (plus the homework), but not too bad, right?
I began interning 16 hours a week as a part of my major's program.
I was also working 13 — 15 hours a week.
And going to church on Sunday.
And leading an early morning prayer group on Tuesday mornings.
And going to Tuesday night life-group and Wednesday night college service.
And trying to do discipleship (mentoring) with other girls in my life-group and trying to meet with them once a week.
And having to meet up to plan the early morning prayer group meeting with my co-leaders.
And despite living with one of my best friends, we were fighting a lot about really stupid stuff and we didn't know why so many issues kept popping up.
And I was battling depression and anxiety for the umpteenth time.
And I was ready to quit school and be done with it by September.
And I had three panic attacks in one month.
And I was exhausted.
And I was spiritually drained.

And I felt very, very fragile.

I found myself at the end of myself way more often that I wanted to. I was gasping for air under the pressure and the weight of everything I had put on top of myself, and after things in my head started to get to a scary place again, I tried ignoring it, thinking I was fine, and not wanting to admit that I needed help.

Until I had a casual thought about what it would be like if I ran my car into a telephone pole pop into my head, while I was driving

That was when I knew I needed some serious help.

I had finally come to a point where I had to take a real, raw, long look at my life. I finally admitted how stressed out I was, how all of the good things I was doing with my time had actually become too many good things, which had become a bad thing.

And I was not about to sacrifice my mental and emotional health on the altar of academic success all for a piece of paper that I would eventually frame and probably forget about.

And I was not about to push myself towards a degree in Social Work and then not even be able to use it to help people the way I know God is calling me to because I didn’t use what I was learning in my own classes to help myself when I needed help the most.

If I burned myself out on the way to get my degree, it would all have been for nothing. I knew that if I continued to neglect my wounds, if I continued to neglect the things God had revealed to me in March of 2017, if I continued to deny the deeply painful personal issues that kept popping up over and over and over again, disrupting and straining my relationships, feeling paranoid and unstable about where I stood with people, I knew I was headed towards cracking.

So, I finally said something.

I went back into counseling, again, called my parents, informed the necessary adults in my life before any of my friends really knew, and I trusted that God would lead me towards making the right decision with what to do about this snowball of a mess that hadn’t rolled downhill yet, but looked like it was going to.

Thank God for the fact that I had incredible adults, professors, academic advisers, faculty at the GSSW, a counselor, and my amazing wonderful parents to hear me out when I approached them about where I was and what I believed I needed in order to heal. I received so much love, support, and counsel from them that I was undone.

In my brokenness, God was kind enough to put wise, knowledgeable, caring, compassionate, and understanding adults in my life that truly wanted the best for me, and…it was incredible. They made me feel so safe and supported through their words AND actions, and, after over a month of processing and trying to make as informed a decision as possible, I came to the conclusion that taking a break from school was where God was leading me to go. He knew I needed time to really connect with Jesus again, to give the issues I needed to work through with Him the time, respect, and attention they demanded in order to find the healing I knew He had waiting for me.

* * *

Because God is so incredibly GOOD, when I took a semester off, I actually received more time off than I had anticipated. Due to the way my major's program is designed, I've been given an unexpected gap year by God to seek after Him, grow in my relationship with Him and myself, and really follow where He's leading me. I won't lie, when I began this gap year, it was hard to find internal motivation at first. I wasn’t sure what to do with my time outside of the part-time job I had and loved (it was practically the only thing that kept me sane last semester so I refused to give it up). So, in January, I asked God what He wanted me to do with my time (I HIGHLY encourage y’all to do this), and He reminded me of a few things.

He reminded me of how much the Psalms and the poetic nature of scripture have influenced my walk with Him in the past, and how the habit I used to have of writing and journaling all the time was so helpful in processing my often whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. I also felt God leading me to start a Christian Creative Writing Group in Waco, TX since there wasn’t one here, so that’s what I did. I started writing again, and I created IvoryLionPoetry, a Christian Creative Writing Group that seeks to provide a platform for other Christian writers to empower them to use and develop their creative writing gifts and assist them in telling their stories in the way that only they can through their written and spoken words.

Since January, I’ve performed at as many open mic nights in a row as possible to get the word out about this group. I’ve poured time and energy into inviting people into this group, as I knew in my spirit that God was going to do BIG things with this. And it has been an absolutely incredible adventure. I’ve trusted God with this every step of the way, watching this group grow from literally just consisting of myself to making a new friend through a performance, who would eventually end up bringing their entire college section to come listen to our live readings. I now have several dedicated and passionate members who I’ve worked with on their writing and stage delivery, and who have performed FANTASTIC and BEAUTIFUL pieces to an audience that keeps on growing.

And I am overjoyed to say that God has made this happen in just 4 short months.

And I am overjoyed, overwhelmed in the best way, and so thankful to say that I have never felt more stable, free, secure, confident in myself, where I am with God, with where I am in my relationship with myself, and MORE WHOLE than I ever have before. In my life.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

* * *

While I am not graduating this spring, I’ve gained SO much during this time off. By saying “yes” to the unknown, pursuing healing even when I didn’t know what it would look like, and taking leaps of faith and following God where I felt Him leading me, I’ve gotten to know Jesus so much more and on such a deeper level. God has opened SO many doors to me as I’ve pursued the passion and dream He’s given me. I’ve been published in Karat Magazine, become a writer for Odyssey Online, and I am ECSTATIC to announce that I am writing a Christian poetry book with the publication expected to happen sometime later this coming fall.

Wow, wow, WOW. God is so stinking GOOD.

Truly, y’all, there is NOTHING better than doing life with the One who knows and loves you best.

And I’m enjoying this adventure day-by-day, hour-by-hour, and moment-by-moment. There’s no rush to do anything, no feeling of urgency or lack. Has it all been easy? No, of course not. But it has been GOOD.

God’s timing is GOOD and PERFECT, y’all.

Believe me, I’m experiencing it right now.