Dear Professors,
There are things that go unsaid in life, for example, those who are fighting depression don’t like to discuss and those who have high anxiety want everyone to think that they are fine. We sit there staring in the mirror saying, I am ok, I am fine, today will be ok. We fight to get out of bed, and sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I look at the world and just say to myself “not today.”
I sit in your classes and doodle in class, not because I’m bored but because it distracts me from my own thoughts that I don’t want wandering while you lecture. I apologize for seeming uninterested but that’s not why I do what I do. I’m doing it to keep myself from breaking down in the middle of class. I sit here trying to hold myself together with nothing, but I just would like you to know that I showed up today and that is a struggle all in itself.
Some days I wake up and just want to crawl into a hole and not move. I decide that today I just cannot do it. So I email you saying that I am sick with some flu or something when in reality I just can’t do today. The worst part is that I wish I could email and say “well, my depression is flaring up today” or “I just had such a long week that I mentally can’t handle anything else today but rest.” Since I can’t do that, I stick with the flu or any other illness that could work.
The problem with emailing you that I have the flu is that sometimes you would like a note saying that I went to the doctors. The problem with that is that I was having an anxiety attack, and depression just closed in on me that morning and I couldn’t handle the tasks ahead of me. I wish that you would understand that sometimes I just couldn’t do the day.
The issue with all of this is that anyone who is having all these feelings doesn’t want to talk about it, we just want to put on this front as if we are the happiest people in life. When in reality the world is slowly crushing us. I just wish that I could email you explaining that I can’t do classes on that day. To some teachers, it seems like a lame excuse but in reality, it’s a true excuse.
I sometimes can’t get out of bed even though when I am out and about no one would ever know that I have these issues. Everyone I know looks at me and thinks that my life is pretty perfect and that I have no reason to be upset. When reality is I may not have a reason but I have a mental illness that causes me reasons to be upset, and I feel alone.
I may know that I’m not alone but I feel alone and I feel like no one would understand. So here is an open letter to you all about how I just can’t do today.
Sincerely,
Your Suffering Student
