Given the current candidates that could potentially be our next U.S. President, I figured I would add in my takes, points, and laws if I were President of the World. I am overstepping the U.S. President position because President of the World sounds way better. You may agree and you may disagree with some points, but guess what? You aren't President of the World... I am.
1. Getting rid of Sweetest Day and Valentine’s Day
Sweetest Day is a fake holiday created by Hallmark to gain more money and to put some stress upon men. Because Valentine's Day wasn't enough (the only thing wrong with Valentine's Day is that it has only caused me headaches and stomachaches in my life). Therefore, both get banished.
2. Vice President? Ben Affleck
He created the Eastern Congo Initiative to help sustain the finest coffee that is grown from the Congo (see my previous article for more information) and he is Batman. Who wouldn't want Batman as their Vice President?
3. In my first term, I am getting rid of the 15 second Netflix episode delay
Yes, I am still on my fifth episode of "Parks & Recreation," stop trying to shame me. If I want to waste my entire day watching Netflix, I would love to do it without Netflix questioning me.
4. No more coins
Except quarters and possibly dollar coins. Potentially bringing back the $2 bill in my second term when re-elected. What use do pennies serve except for clinking around your pockets and the inside of your car? Sorry Abe, but you have to go.
5. Crocs are banned
I don't care how comfortable they are. You know what is comfortable? Pajamas, but you don't see me wearing those in public or on airplanes.
6. No speed limit
If you cannot control yourself or drive safely for yourself or others, then we should have stricter driving tests. The only speed limit will be in school zones, I'd like to protect our upcoming bright children. Everything else is fair game.
7. Freedom of religion
As long as it has nothing to do with human sacrifice or cutting off heads, then go for it. If you want to worship trees, then you go worship trees! If bronzed cats are your things, go right ahead! Let's just put the whole cutting heads and ripping people's hearts out on the back burner.
8. Purified water access for everyone
Given the current state of Flint, Michigan and the overall water crisis the world is going through in other countries, this is a no-brainer.
9. It will be illegal for movie theatres to exceed a 10 percent mark up for candy
I should not have to pay $5 for a small box of Junior Mints. When I go to the movies I want to enjoy both the movie and a snack! Because who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious. It's very refreshing.
10. Bill Murray statue
He is an icon and a pioneer. You get to vote for three Bill Murray statues that will be built: Peter Venkman from "Ghostbusters," Carl Spackler from "Caddyshack," and Steve Zissou from "The Life Aquatic Steve Zissou."
In my second term, I will be adding more points and "laws" at my position of President of the World. I will be fair, but firmly cruel.
