After watching many presidential debates and interviews and seeing which two candidates came out on top, I decided to analyze the two people the nation has declared most worthy to rule our free world. I wanted to figure out what it really takes to earn one of the most powerful positions in our government system. After carefully studying both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, I have come up with the 15 most prominent requirements for potentially gaining the title of the president of the United States:
1. Tweet like a middle schooler.
Since social media is such an important element of today, it is important to show the people that you know how to use it. And since no one is actually mature on social media, why should you be?
2. Get comfy lying to an entire nation.
You're going to have to promise things that you know you can't actually do. It's OK though, once it comes out of your mouth, you won't actually have to deliver.
3. Change your views every 20 years.
Keep it fresh. People love it when they think you believe one thing, but realize those ethics they thought you had were actually so 1994.
4. Be a narrow-minded, prejudiced pig.
Be mean to everyone. Insult their cultures. Threaten to deport them. Lump certain groups of people together and call them all terrorists. Put some people above others. This seems to be effective.
5. Live above the law.
Technically, laws are things you really shouldn't break. Actually, if any other person broke them, they'd be tried and probably earn themselves some prison time. But, if you really don't want to follow them, just use your clout to work around these little guys.
6. Throw petty insults at your opponents.
They don't even have to be that clever or well thought out. As long as you spend most of your campaigning time doing this, you'll be just fine.
7. Insult your opponent's family.
There are no boundaries. Wives, siblings, husbands, children, parents, they are all fair game so take your aim.
8. Insult the people in your own party.
Even though you've already won the candidate spot for your party, feel free to pick fights with those inside your party. Call them out if you don't like them. Drive a wedge in your party because you feel like it.
9. Insult your own pet dog while you're at it because, why not?
You're on a roll. What's another one-liner directed at an innocent person who didn't do anything wrong?
10. Be incredibly condescending to millennials.
Boy oh boy do the youths of today LOVE when people back-handedly mock certain trends then attempt to be a part of them.
11. Have a lot of money...like a LOT.
In the land of equal opportunity, having a couple of million in the bank really gives you that little extra boost.
12. Throw your money in everyone's face.
Make sure the entire world knows just how rich you are. I mean, you don't have to tell them where you got the money from or even what your taxes look like, but make sure they know you're loaded.
13. Make up stuff on the spot that you know isn't true just to rile up the crowd.
If you feel like the crowd isn't really feeling your speech, just say something that you know will get them hyped. Whether it be promising every single one of them jobs the minute you're elected or ensuring them eternal safety from every terrorist under the sun, just say it.
14. Don't own up to your mistakes.
If you messed up, do everything and say anything to get yourself out of the suspect frame. It might be blatantly obvious that you did it, but there is always someone defenseless and less influential that you can blame.
15. Most importantly, don't try and find middle ground. Don't compromise. Don't work with different views. In fact, don't even listen to other ideas. Just stick to your own, even if that means nothing will ever get done and our country becomes a divided mess. Don't you dare alter your own idea simply to keep the United States...united.
'Nough said.
