Santa Claus is the hardest self-employed freelance worker out there. The Christmas spirit of joy and peace himself reading a list of people's names and their gifts to be delivered, and all in one night is no cookie cutter task.
He should know; there's plenty of cookies to go around. Santa has his reindeer to keep him company but spreading Christmas cheer is not always what Santa wants to do for himself.
Here are five presents Santa wants for Christmas because he deserves them.
1. Gap years.
Santa gets to travel across the world but only in one night. Think of all the local hot spots and destinations he is missing out on. It is unfair that he has to deliver billions of presents while the rest of the world enjoys their vacation time.
We all could chip in and give Santa an extended holiday leave. Parents can just tell their kids he had to rush order their presents this year. And the year after that, and the year after that...
It is about time Santa got out of his boots and into some sandals. He does not do timeshares either.
2. Real food.
It was cute the first few times around, but does it have to be the same thing every year? Santa is a sweet and jolly man plenty enough on his own.
He doesn't need another candy cane, chocolate chip cookie, or glass of milk to keep the holiday cheer going. If anything, he is bound to have another sugar crash.
That's what caused the infamous Sleigh Crash of 1964. Ditch the dairy and baked goods, and give Santa a plate of your Christmas meal.
You thought Santa spent all of December up at the North Pole? He has an incredible side hustle, working grocery stores with his bell for the Salvation Army.
The worst gig of all is staging his workshop in every mall he goes to. Santa is a full-time toymaker and a part-time socialite. You know Santa is overqualified and he deserves what he is worth.
It is the season of giving, so give Santa his trillion dollar annual salary already.
4. Workshops around the world.
Why does Santa have to make all the world's gifts and toys from one workshop? Christmas magic can only to take our indomitable bearded friend so far.
He needs workshops in every country, that way he does not have to fly everywhere and everything at once. He will be closer to those who asked for gifts and spend more time out of his natural environment.
If Santa cannot stop working, give him something more and something better to work with.
5. Shorter lists.
Santa is not suggesting a decrease in population here. He just wants everyone to be nice instead of naughty. The gifts are enough to carry without that coal weighing him down.
He is also tired of hearing the reasons why you were naughty this year. It is breaking his gumdrop heart. Santa should not have to bribe you with presents or punish you with coal.
The greatest gift you can give Santa is kindness.
Santa is not that picky when it comes to gifts. Do the right thing, and he promises there will not be any coal in your stocking this year.