Miscarriage is one of the loneliest experiences I have ever had to endure. One in four women, at some point in their life, will experience the loss of a baby before 20 weeks gestation. Every woman this happens to will go through their own emotions and process of dealing with this type of loss. For me, the third loss was different than the first two in that the first I had only just found out we were pregnant and the second I had not even known I was pregnant until the miscarriage was happening. Both of these were very early miscarriages. The third was brutal and excruciatingly painful for me. After all, my husband and I had been trying for five years to have another child. I went through the hardest time in my life after we lost that precious baby whose heartbeat we had heard and seen on the ultrasound just two days before. The next two months I went through panic and anxiety attacks and so much confusion -- so many people just didn't know what to say or do to help. Seeing friends post about pregnancies and babies on Facebook was so painful, I just couldn't bring myself to look for a long time. Miscarriage and baby loss is, for the most part, a subject in our society that isn't talked about enough, not to mention that if you have never experienced this type of loss then you truly have no idea how painful it can be.
"It's been a month already. You should be over this by now."
"You're young, you can try again to have more children."
"It wasn't even a baby yet, don't worry."
"This is why you should wait to tell people until after the first trimester, so you don't have 'untell' everyone."
These were just a few of the things people who were close to me said us after we lost our baby. They meant well, but none of these were helpful. Of course, we were devastated, we had just lost a child. I carried that child for 13 weeks and loved that sweet baby with every ounce of my being, so, of course, losing this life before we had even had the chance to hold our child was the hardest part. It's indescribable, but I will say that I felt as if there was a giant hole in my body where a baby once lived. We had never held that baby, but we sure felt as if we knew our child. I thought this was the most difficult time in my life. As it turns out, I was wrong. This was horrible, yes, but the most difficult time of my life came just two months later when I realized I was pregnant again.
I had so many conflicting emotions. I wanted to be excited about this little one starting to grow inside of me, I just waivered back and forth from excited to terrified. I was shocked at those two little lines on that pregnancy test and couldn't help but feel anxious, but it was more than that. I went through nine months of worrying if that was going to be the day that our baby didn't make it, that I was going to lose our little one again, and live through another nightmare. I was terrified. Being pregnant that soon after our loss made every small pain or any amount of discomfort turn into stress, anxiety, worrying, and tears. All of this was so hard for people to understand. I had a panic attack at my baby shower with family and hid in the bathroom and avoided family gatherings because it was very hard to talk about the future with so much worry in my heart. My husband and our oldest son were so wonderful to me through it all and so understanding.
Our son was born perfectly healthy and we were so happy. I still had fears that something was going to happen to him now that he was there in my arms and I don't think that any amount of preparation would have me ready for how I felt after he was born. The anxiety did not completely subside and I was still fearful for the life of this tiny, defenseless child. We made it through these fears, but it wasn't easy.
If you ever experience a loss like this in your life, I recommend to you that you find a support group for miscarriage and infant loss in your area or speak with a professional if you are having trouble with your grief over the loss of your child. Being around others who had experienced a loss like ours helped me better cope with that loss and begin to enjoy the beautiful baby boy we were so blessed to have in our lives.
