Recently I told my story to a new friend, and he was surprised and impressed with how far I had come since the end of middle school when anxiety started becoming a problem for me. It was a mentally stimulating and empowering conversation because of how interested he was in my progression- from a girl who could barely get out of bed to one who keeps her dorm open so she can comically harass the innocent people who walk by -as well as how highly he thought of me afterwards. Our conversation also reminded me of why I am so open about my past struggles. I hope to inspire others who, like me, struggle with their mental health and wish to lessen the stigma surrounding mental illness. The interaction was great until the next night when he noticed the pill bottle above my bed and, upon questioning, I explained it was the medication I take to help with my anxiety. His response was “that really bums me out.” To him, the fact that I was on medication discredited all my strength and growth, and while he admired how far I had come on my own, once informed that I was medicated, his thought was that if I went off my meds I would no longer be this person.
That kind of thinking is wrong.
My medication’s brand name is Lexapro, and it is one of the most common treatments for anxiety and minor depression. While I have found it helpful for keeping my mind in check, I also have a close friend who is supposed to be taking it but does not. She refuses because she believes that her feeling of happiness on medication is not true happiness, but instead, it is an illusion she only feels because there is medication running through her body instead of joy running through her veins.
That thinking, too, is wrong.
Lexapro is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, meaning, in the simplest terms I can use, that when the neurons in your brain fire and the serotonin neurotransmitters leave the neuron and go out to the body, the medication stops them from being reabsorbed into the presynaptic cell. This leaves an extra amount of serotonin available to be absorbed by the cells, raising the serotonin levels in the body. Clinical studies have found a correlation between low serotonin levels in the brain and depression. When your immune system gets low you may experience a bacterial infection and your body will be unable to fight the sickness off if it is not producing enough antibodies to fight the infection. To resolve this medical issue you go to the doctor and get antibiotics to help boost your immune system. Is your renewed health fake? No. Similarly, If your neurons are not producing enough serotonin and you become depressed, you go to a doctor and get medication, like Lexapro, to bring your levels up to normal. As with your renewed health, is your renewed happiness fake? No.
Xanax. Take note of your feeling when you read that word as it is a medication with a bad reputation. I understand that the feeling of scorn that some may feel at the thought of a tiny pill, caused by poor media misrepresentation or by rappers like Lil Wayne who spit lines about being “ a prisoner, locked up behind Xanax bars” (“I Feel Like Dying” 2011). This coverage is inaccurate and...
This thinking is wrong.
Overwhelmed by cultural misrepresentation, no one has stopped to educate nonusers on the actual saving effects that medication like Xanax can have on someone experiencing a panic attack. A panic attack can be set off by anything, and it may not just stay on one idea; everything can just build off of each other until you are literally drowning in thoughts and fears. My first identifiable panic attack started after I watched a peer’s Snapchat Story and began to wonder what the situation would have been like if my boyfriend at the time had been with them. Then I went to what if he cheated on me while I was away on a cruise, then what if the cruise ship sunk. By the time my panic attack ended, I had gotten to what my family vacation would be like that summer if I became paralyzed and my family tried to get me to play wheelchair softball. Even now, over two years later, I remember every detail of my thoughts during that time. When you have a panic attack, a single thought spirals and it builds and it twirls and it swirls and it turns, and it goes and it goes...and it cycles. But in this whirling mental hell there can be salvation. Xanax breaks the cycle. It stops the spiraling in its tracks and allows you to stop and breathe. Xanax does not make your problems go away, it does not make you forget about them or not worry anymore, but Xanax allows a person with anxiety to slow down and sort through their worries. It allows them to see clearly. Xanax is meant to help someone in a moment of pure struggle, when they are gripped with so much terror they cannot even move from their spot, can’t even cry out for help.
The thinking that gets me the most in my conversation was my own. My immediate thought was to discredit the medication when confronted.
My thinking was wrong.
I am ashamed about how embarrassed I became when my friend said he was bummed. Instead of discussing his views and knowledge on medication for mental illness, I instantly said “Well it isn’t even a strong dose...And I’ll probably wean off of it after this year.” My words weren’t even true. I don’t know when I’ll wean off Lexapro because, to be honest, I still need it. Yes, days can still be tough and I don’t think I am far enough along with my personal growth to be able to be myself without my 10mg dose. And that brings us full circle. The person who cannot look people in the eyes, the one who cannot get out of bed some days because they do not want to face the world is. Not. Me. And Lexapro is not the only thing that ridded me of that person; it was support from my family, counseling, writing, and my own courage that transformed me into the person I am today. Yes some man-made pill helps me stay afloat each day, but it is not something I, or anyone else, should feel ashamed of, because it is not what defines us.
