Recently I have been conducting studies on the newest trends sweeping juvenile America. The most significant study I carried out was entitled "Facebook Poke Wars." For those who do not know what a "Facebook Poke" is: "The poke feature is intended to be a poke gesture to attract the attention of another user." (From the reliable source of wikipedia.org) What attracted me to conduct research on such an obscure social media feature was how youngsters are making it an intense competition. Thus transforming a harmless Facebook element, into a toxic and lethal part of our everyday life.
"A poke war is like, ruining my life" says sophomore student Jessica Kendall at Harvard University. "My best friend Jeffery and I have poked each other like 1,894 times within the past two weeks. It's like, so exhausting."
The nineteen year old New Jersey native has not been able to get a good night's rest within the past three hundred and thirty-six hours because a helpful networking tool has turned into her worst nightmare. The teen's electronic devices are constantly at low battery, making it hard for her to complete necessary homework assignments that law school deems "important."
"I always used to think that poking your Facebook friends was a funny way of reminding them you're still like alive and stuff, but like now this has gotten like totally out of hand." In the midst of our interview I could see Jessica poking Jeffery via Facebook mobile on her generic fruit themed smart phone. The glow of her cracked touch screen lit up her face from below, as if telling a scary story at a camp fire.
"I used to be able to multi-task and go about my day and classes, poking him back and stuff, but like now life just slows down and I can't even think about anything else but poking him back." When I asked her why she won't just quit she replied fiercely: "I will not lose this war."
Jessica's persistence to persevere is not uncommon in many of America's youth, psychologists around the world are calling it: "The FaceBook Poke War Battle Psychosis Syndrome" (Currently a working title, as it is too long to fit on their brochures.)
"America's youth are so obsessed with poking each other electronically. I doubt they'd even know what a real life poke is." Says Dermatologist Brad Bedford. Dr. Bedford's poking history goes back far into the 1980's, when he went to Yale for a degree in "Physical Contact" with an emphasis in "High Fives." "Back in my day you'd actually give someone a good jab in the ribs if you wanted to say hi, now everyone is too busy tapping their intelligent phones to actually inflict pain on others."
No one has died of this toxic addiction, but many have been hospitalized. Junior at the University of VanHalen, Sarah Jessica Parker was admitted to her local medical center because she wouldn't stop yelling "POKE! POKE! POKE!" during her biology class.
I urge you to educate your children, students, and pets on this very serious habit that is sweeping the world. We must rise above this electronically violent time. Think of the children.