I'm gonna get deep with y'all today. Now, bare with me on this— this is a subject I take so personally and it's a subject that people just mock. Self-harm. "It's so stupid," "It's selfish," "Just does it for attention"- I'm sure some of you have either said any of these or at least thought of it. I can't speak on behalf of the ones that self-harm. We all have our reasonings, nonetheless. It's not a phase in high school. Some people do not grow out of it— it's just something that either helps them cope or makes themselves feel a little more alive.

Now, when I say self-harm, what comes to mind? Cutting? Burning? Drugs? Eating disorders? Substance abuse? Anyone of these are placed in the category. As I mentioned before- I can't speak for the others and their reasoning but what I can do is give you my point of view. When you're on the outside looking in, you think it's the most selfish thing someone could do. Honestly, when I get told that, it hurts. I take it as I've spent so much of my life pleasing other people. Why can't I do something for myself and it not be selfish? Think it's stupid? That makes me feel stupid and alone, which makes the situation worse. I get that you say all of this to help, but the reality of it is— it makes it worse. Getting mad at the person who self-harms is literally the worst thing you could do. The person is already feeling shitty about themselves, you being an ass and acting like it's "tough love" doesn't help because that's not how we take it— or at least I don't. What does help? Being there. Being the support that is needed, the positivity that is missing. The feeling of not being alone.

Being alone— what do you think that means? Let's refer to the famous Tumblr phrase, "In a crowded room, I somehow still feel alone." Well sure, I guess that's what most feel. I, however, take "being alone" as me pushing everyone I love away from me. Intentionally. Why? Because in my head, everyone is better off. That I cause so many problems to the ones I love, I blame myself for every situation. So? I push people away and become so antisocial to the point of no return. Because in my head it's just not worth it and to me when the person gives in and just—lets me push— that proves a point. Stupid? Maybe. But, hey, that's just my personal point of view.

Some people get over the self-harm, to them it was a literal phase and they go on with their happy lives. To me? I wish it were that easy. I am a year clear of self-harming and I'll be honest. It is rough. There are times I just want to give in and just do the damn thing. But knowing I have my baby girl on the way helps give me the willpower not to. The feeling, however, never goes away. So, I distract the hell out of myself. I clean. Typical right? It's not because it distracts my mind, it's because it distracts my hands. Like how a chain smoker feels the need to have something in his or hers hand to help avoid the urge to smoke. I clean and clean and clean until I run out of things to clean. Somewhat satisfied, but, not really. It tugs on my heart strings that I still have the horrible urge to do such horrible things to my body. To make my body suffer. So, I started to make my body suffer pain in a somewhat "healthy" way—tattoos. People ask me all the time what does getting a tattoo feel like, well, it feels like you're cutting yourself. Now that satisfies my urge and instead of scars— I gain art onto my body.

I'm really hoping y'all are thinking, "What do you even get out of it?" Well if you are— awesome. If not, oh well, I'm gonna answer it anyway. What I get out of it is relief. It's a distraction, it helped me forget what the actual problem is for a little while. The pain makes me forget about what was making me upset in the first place and last but not least— reminds me that I am alive. I remember the first time I ever did it, I was going through some "stuff" and I got curious. So I made one cut, then another then another. Before I knew it, my arm was just RAW. And yes, I cried my eyes out because it hurt like hell. Nothing hurts more than the morning after, the shower. I take it as karma, honestly. The whole— "that's what my dumbass gets."

Still think it's stupid? Then why keep reading, why intentionally piss yourself off because I know how some people get with this particular subject. I know this subject is touchy and controversial but hey— at least you know you're not alone, right?

I have mostly been talking about cutting because that's what was my poison of choice. The others are just as important and deserve awareness. I just don't want to talk about something I haven't really experienced. That's where you come in— as you share this. Feel free to comment about what your poison is. Don't be ashamed. Maybe there's someone out there that knows how you feel and you become support for one another because I've come to learn that the best supporters are the ones who have been there and done that.

Lastly, if you are still having issues with self-harm, if you feel so alone, if you just feel like you're getting no support and people are just disappearing from your life slowly and slowly, just never forget you are not alone and you will get through it. Like I said, the urge never really goes away but there are always alternatives. Figuring what suits you best is on you. You can't help yourself if you choose to not make an effort. Whatever you're going through, whatever mental illness intoxicates your mind, you're bigger than your faults. You're stronger than you think and I promise you, one step at a time and you'll see the beauty of life and what it has to offer. It's not always so pretty, but it is worth it. Just never forget, you are never alone.