I wrote this poem about the first time I had sex, which was also when I was raped. I was raped on May 13th last year and as the one year anniversary approaches, I want to share this poem about my experience. You can read about it in detail in my other article titled "My Ex-Boyfriend Raped Me And Took My Virginity At The Same Time."
We Fucked
like harpooning a whale
Fins twitching, my own arms, twitching
Trying to hold onto anything but
Everything
kept falling
my tongue, in my throat
your dick, in my body
my blood down my thighs, quickly
on your ivory sheets
like sprinkles like confetti like
You like
I thought you were my best friend
the way I said, “I trust you”
But you
are a “Sorry, Man" ; a smiling man
a “just our position” man
your head in your arms
Slowly, all at once,
a wedding ring you give me. I say no.
You say “I love you” a thousand times. I say no. Should it matter?
You fuck me
when I am sleeping
I wake up, you’re inside me
Your hands hold my throat, like a ring
Your mother died and you want four daughters
And you hurt me
Like a thousand likes on Instagram
“Why did you like his post?” you ask.
“He is my brother,” I say.
“He is another man.”
And I-
I am a thousand trembling constellations
My mother’s hip bones. My father’s nose. My laughter,
the violet bruises that wavered like hair
Underwater I tried to make pain beautiful but there is nothing.
I was naive but not
an accident
You blamed me
found my empathy to be a weakness in the hospital
I texted you and you never
responded.
Originally published in Alloy Literary Magazine, 2018 edition.
Some alterations to the poem have been made because I don't have the ability to put multiple spaces before words.
