I have anxiety. Actually, I have generalized anxiety disorder, but most people know what anxiety is because everyone gets anxiety, right? Yes, of course, but imagine that feeling that you get but times ten stronger. And constant. That’s what it's like to have generalized anxiety disorder. Not many people understand when I tell them this, and it’s hard to explain. How do explain a feeling that makes you afraid to do anything? How do you explain thoughts that don’t make sense and clearly aren’t true? How do you explain an anxiety attack when it all happens in your head?

When writing this poem, I tried my best to explain how anxiety feels and how it takes over your world. I hope that those who feel the same way I do will find comfort in having a way to explain it to others. I also hope that even if you don’t have anxiety, that you take a chance to read this so you can better understand what someone might be going through.

A Classic Roller Coaster

When people would explain how they feel

They would say it’s like a roller coaster

I never understood how something so fun

Could be used as a comparison to something so hard

But that’s what I am on right now, the classic roller coaster

I understand how it feels to be up one second

And to be spiraling down the next

Waiting, hoping to go back up

I used to think the drops were the fun part of rides

I used to love that feeling you got in your stomach

Now that feeling doesn’t leave

It fills my body with pain, chokes me until I can’t breath

All the while I’m continuing to go down

A seemingly endless drop with no sight of the end

No sight of a bottom, I just know it must be coming

Never knowing if I am going to crash, or be pulled up again

The harness holds me down, traps me to my doom

No chance of escape, no one to help

I am on this roller coaster alone

My screams are the only ones you can hear

My screams don’t keep out the voices in my head

The thoughts are the worst part

Continuously building on one another

Suffocating me through words

Just like I can’t pause the ride, I can’t pause my thoughts

They form on their own, coming from the darkest parts

Coming from under the tracks,

From the sparks of the wheels on the rails

The sparks burn my mind, degrading my world

Telling me things I know are not true

But I can’t help but believe

When there is no one there to tell me they’re not

I get lost in these thoughts

The straight path of the tracks gets confusing, twisted

Turning at odd angles, jerking me around

My mind is jumbled; the thoughts are not making sense

“You should be better.”

“You shouldn’t be crying.”

All of these 'shoulds' adding to my screams

Convincing me that I am worthless, broken

When I am up, I can look back and disagree

But when I am descending into my miserable mind

I believe everything the voices say

All of my thoughts are true, making returning to the high point seem impossible

The roller coaster is going faster now

The sharp turns and sudden drops are getting dangerous

I need to get off, or at least stay up

But I can’t anymore, and I’m scared

I haven’t been afraid of roller coasters since I was little

But when it is one like this

So unpredictable and fast changing

I can’t help the terror that is building inside of me

When will it stop?

When will the classic roller coaster ride

that so perfectly describes my life end?

Soon I hope, I don’t know how much longer I can ride it.