Whenever comedy shows, sketches and music videos fall just short of being hilarious, I turn to the next best thing: politics.
With each day creeping closer to election season and the primaries in full swing, I thought now would be the optimal time to test my psychic abilities and predict, or at the very least, recommend the candidates’ vice presidents (as a joke, of course).
First up, the republican candidates.
Ted Cruz - Give this man a vice president who can work as a tailor. What I have noticed in several pictures of Ted Cruz is that his arms always seem a little out. Now, this could be due to the idea that maybe he wears suits that are too tight and do not allow him to bring his arms all the way down to his sides. Forget vice president. Ted Cruz needs a couturier.
John Kasich - To be honest, I didn't think I would have to think of a vice president for my own Ohio mayor. Nonetheless, here we are. Who should John Kasich work alongside? A pair of mittens. They would help Kasich in many situations, like to keep warm during the winter or to communicate with during debates. Yes, The Daily Show made a joke about Kasich's hands during one of the GOP debates, but look at his gestures! Someone give him warm soft mittens to hide whatever nonsense he is doing with his hands.
Marco Rubio - He just needs a polo shirt VP. The only reason I made this choice is because then people would refer to the game “Marco Polo” as “President Vice President.” Family fun for everyone. (Yes, I am aware of the fact Rubio sells polo shirts in his campaign store online).
Donald Trump - A vice president? For Donald Trump? How about a singular Cheetos puff? Yeah, it’s not going to do much, but Donald Trump wouldn’t listen to his vice president even if it was a talking dog. He’s an independent man who does not follow anybody's orders but his own. Still, building walls and banning Muslims (temporarily of course) is a lot of work and certainly warrants a reward of some sort. That’s why he’s got the Cheetos to munch on.
Don’t think I excluded the Democratic candidates!
Bernie Sanders - He would be perfect with any college student from a liberal arts school. I mean, it doesn’t HAVE to be a liberal arts college; any college should do, but you’ve got a bigger guarantee that a student from a liberal arts school is going to be liberal. Shocker. Could you imagine? This country would just be one big college campus.
Hillary Clinton - Elect a golden membership rewards card from Starbucks as vice president. Now, I don’t mean to perpetuate any ‘white girl’ stereotypes. Just hear me out. Trying to fit in with the hip young urban crowd is hard work. It’s exhausting on all levels: physically, emotionally, mentally and financially. With a Starbucks rewards card on her side, Hillary will have a reason to meet teens who have started injecting caffeine into their system. She can talk to the hipsters who are writing a screenplay and using Starbucks’ public WiFi. She will need to come in daily and buy a drink in order to accumulate stars or points on her rewards card to eventually earn a free drink. Then she’ll come in for said free drink. She can’t lose. She’ll be meeting other caffeinated young folk like herself.
