The Voice is finally back on the air. Like me, you probably have a lot of opinions about the coaches from season to season. But what does that say about you as a person? Close your eyes, pick your favorite coach, and I'll do the rest.
Blake Shelton
You need stability in your life and you find flannel comforting. You're either from the South or you just like to pretend that you are (if you moved to Nashville when you were 16, you're not from Nashville. It's a hard truth you have to accept). You drink a little bit too much if you're even old enough to drink, and you probably think of Blake Shelton as your dad or weird uncle. You feel nostalgic about Hallmark Christmas movies, the music your mom plays in the car, and the first makeup you ever bought.
Adam Levine
If you love Adam Levine, you probably have a thing for slightly immature guys who come off as confident but in reality, they have no clues about no things. You either love or hate his tattoos, and that depends on whether you like him on purpose or against your will. You publish poetry on the internet and have a Tumblr blog that prominently features animals. You're the person who had a crush on literally everyone in high school. You claim to be a hipster but you're really not. (And you know, it's okay to admit that you squeal whenever you see Adam on Proactive commercials. We're all friends here.)
Miley Cyrus
If your favorite coach is Miley, you're always on the hunt for something new and exciting. You probably think Adam and Blake need to leave the show and make room for new blood. You like Thai food and you always have control of the radio knob no matter where you're sitting in the car. You took a gap year and you own too many notebooks (plot twist, you've actually used them). You like to do crazy things to your hair but nobody ever tells you it looks good and that makes you sad inside.
(Then again, liking Miley might not actually mean anything--you were just conditioned to like her from the time you were a young child and now it's just an automatic response.)
Pharrell Williams
You have put all your energy into one singular personality trait and you are trying desperately to make a name for yourself based on that personality trait. You insist that you're the fun one of your friend group. You have a driver's license but you much prefer being driven around by other people. You are always 5 minutes late with Starbucks and you hate most alcohol. You prefer the Apple Watch to the iPhone for some reason. You can make anything out of macaroni and a glue gun.
Shakira
You're someone who cannot let go of the past. Seriously, Shakira is never coming back. Just cut your losses. (I'm talking to myself here. I really miss her and her beautiful use of the English language and her adorableness and her sexiness and literally everythiNG ABOUT HER WHY ISN'T SHE COMING BACK)
Alicia Keys
You're the mom friend with the "old soul" who just wants everyone to be happy. You will tell off anyone who tries to hurt your friends or your pets. You're probably pretty loud but you're zen at the same time and most people are jealous of you. Or annoyed by you. You can never really tell, but you're secretly insecure about it. You bought coloring books for your friends for Christmas. Your Instagram is perfectly organized--and mostly just selfies and pictures of your clean eating.
Cee-Lo Green
Cee-Lo Green is exactly nobody's favorite coach. Stop messing with me.
Christina Aguilera
You won your 5th-grade spelling bee and you were cooler than all of your friends because you were allowed to listen to whatever music you wanted. You're a showoff, but you're also genuinely talented, so people don't mind that much. You don't like staying at other people's houses and you enjoy anime, but only "high-class" anime. Your life motto is "go big or go home" and that applies to pretty much everything. You can cook really well, but you're hopeless at baking. You tend to bottle up your true feelings and just resort to mild annoyance as your default emotion.
Usher
Choosing Usher as a favorite coach is basically saying that you're cool enough to remember the old days but hip enough to understand what the kids are talking about now. You have a pretty positive outlook on life but you're willing to throw hands if necessary. You believe in true love and only write in capital letters. You wanted a bunny when you were younger but now you have a cat and it's really ugly, but it's your cat and you love it. You're great at stalking people's social media accounts but only with pure intentions.
Gwen Stefani
You like drama--causing it, watching it, whatever. You pretend to be really humble but that's a flat-out lie. As a kid, your toys were always going on wild adventures that often ended in their demise. Sometimes you think you want to be a Criminal Justice major but that never lasts. You like to keep up with the latest trends but stay ~~classy~~ at the same time. You're also not really sure if you like being in a relationship, but it beats being alone. You secretly like your hair long but everyone else likes it short. You still use Facebook and use it happily. Your favorite movie is Pride & Prejudice (2005) and people can pry that from your cold, dead hands.
Jennifer Hudson
You're an overachiever who doesn't have time for...anything. Including watching The Voice. You just heard that Jennifer was going to be a coach and you already listen to her music so you decided that she was your favorite. The rest of us don't actually have anything to go on because she's only been a coach for like 2 weeks.
Carson Daly
"But he's not a coach!" you say. "But shut up," I reply. Because Carson Daly is actually the best of all of them, and any true Carson fan knows this. If Carson Daly is your favorite "coach", you can't be contained by social constructs. You're sarcastic, fun, and you support anyone who makes a genuine effort in life, no matter how bad they are at it. You're the real M.V.P. and you just broke the quiz. Congratulations.
