I've moved nine times in the last six years. I signed leases with slumlords, college kids and young professionals, each arrangement more disastrous than the previous. Needless to say, I am not the roommate type, and I prefer to live alone. Enter my future husband stage left. A few months into dating, we were syncopated and madly in love. All nights were spent together playing house. I had my own dresser drawer for sleepovers and a toothbrush next to the sink. After we traveled back and forth between continents to meet our families, we scooped up the keys to our new place. I knew him less than one year. Here are a few things I learned from this experience.
Moving in with someone you love will change you in all sorts of unexpected ways.
Suddenly, arguments would break out over a single complaint and I became ultra-sensitive overnight. Our careless habits and waning attitudes wore us out quickly and we stopped tolerating behaviors that infuriated us. He commented on my messy inclination. I scolded his forgetfulness. He disapproved of my temper. I loathed matching his socks, and how he always drove under the speed limit.
We forced each other to take a hard look at our unpleasant behaviors and make a habit of changing ourselves for the better. I said to him one day, “I don’t want to resent who you are, and right now, I feel like I am permitting you to be an ass.” He pulled me in for the biggest hug and agreed that we would work toward better communication. He designed us a Google calendar so we wouldn’t forget important dates planned, and I asked him to throw out his sock collection. It seems funny how socks create emotional upheaval.
Always express gratitude for small gestures.
Small gestures and expressions of gratitude are a simple and satisfying love. We excel at showering each other in compliments and thankfulness. My boyfriend is notorious for cooking the most delicious meals, and I’ll find my breakfast and lunch packed on the counter before I head into work! I send him thanks, and we share a meal together over Skype. When he arrives home from work, he scoops me into his arms to kiss me hello and comments on how lucky he is! We remain embraced while chatting about how work went and our plans for the evening. These simple moments spent together are the smallest gestures that make the biggest difference in the health of our relationship.
Learn each other’s passions.
I am not the type to sit still to watch movies, and I rarely go to the theater unless I’m dragged there. My boyfriend loves movies and often contemplates going to acting school again. He took me to the movies to watch "Furious 7"… or 12. Whatever. I remember nudging him in the middle of the movie and asking if we could leave after two hours of car chasing. I was horribly bored and wished I was spending my precious time doing something more meaningful. I complained about the movie most of the drive home and I could tell he was irritated with me. He was really hurt by my comment about how watching Hollywood films is a waste of my time, and I could be doing so many more meaningful activities than watching stupid car crashes and horrible actors. From that point on, he only went to movies with his friends and his family. I felt excluded, but knew I excluded myself from participating in one of his passions. After meaningful conversations about including each other in our separate hobbies, we have plans to see a movie together and he might even take an art class of mine!
Set goals together.
Oh my word. Setting goals has been the best thing that ever happened to our relationship and it transforms us into a stronger couple! We decided to try CrossFit together and take care of our health. We buy organic groceries and avoid preservatives. We share articles about health and fitness, and joke about becoming a fit couple on social media. Aside from weight loss goals, we also plan out who pays what bills, how often to clean, combining phone plans, saving vs. spending, purchasing furniture and little odds and ends. This has helped build constructive communication and encourage us to work together.
As a couple, we have made a ton of mistakes! There are lots of late-night conversations with tears in our eyes, love in our hearts and the willingness to find a solution. I am so grateful I met my soul's better half, the person who tests my patience, expands my heart and makes me fall deeper in love with him every day. Sometimes you get lucky and move in with your best friend!
