I have a huge problem with control. I feel inclined to control everything around me – people, places, things. When something goes awry or not according to plan, I panic and my anxiety skyrockets. I hate when I don’t have control over how my day will pan out. I despise when I don’t know what is coming and what the future holds. I hate when I feel like everything in my life is falling to pieces because I don’t have control.
And I absolutely hate not having control over other people.
People screw you over and then you die.
I used to say this while assuring people that “I’m just kidding. Today has just been a rough day.” But there was a large part of me that believed that statement to be true.
Friends will screw you over. They will treat you poorly. You will look back on the past and your memories together and feel a deep mourning because your relationship has turned to nothing. You won’t know what exactly happened to bring you both to this point. Words will be said that will cut you to your core. You will drive yourself crazy retracing every step of your relationship to find that one step that you can pinpoint and say, “This is where it all changed. This is why it all changed.” However, you will never find that step. There is an ebb and flow in relationships. Friendships change over time before you even realize it is happening. You will be very hurt. Your ability to trust will be shaken. You will feel betrayed. You will resent them. You will hate them. But you must forgive them. And you won’t call them a friend anymore. But they will always hold a place in your past that shaped who you are today. If nothing else, thank them for helping to create the person you are today.
Boys will screw you over. Boys will hurt you. You will be left to wonder what is wrong with you. Why does this happen to you? Why do you never find the good ones? Boys will screw you over when you never thought they would – when they said they never would. You let someone in and he broke your heart. You pull the wall back up. You vow to never give anyone a chance again because boys suck. You don’t want to be vulnerable and you don’t want someone else to have the ability to make you feel this way. You can’t close yourself off forever. If you do, you may lose “the good one.” Take as much time as you need, but let people back in. Every boy that causes your ability to trust to decay will also help you grow. You will heal, you will grow, and you will come to know what you want in another person.
Family will screw you over. There will be members of your family, immediate or extended, that will hurt you. They will leave you a little bit cracked because you never could imagine that they would hurt you this much. You will fight and you will scream. Words will be said that will be thoroughly regretted. You will be deeply hurt because they have all the power in the world to bring you to your knees – and they used it. Don’t cut them out of your life because you can. They are your blood and they will always be the first ones running if you are in jeopardy.
School will screw you over. You will get C’s and feel completely defeated. You will beat yourself up. You will tell yourself you can’t do it. Your self-esteem will plummet. Grades are not everything, and when you die, God will not ask you what you got in Economics your freshman year of college. Apply yourself and do everything you can to succeed. Always remember C’s get degrees.
There will be people and things that screw you over all throughout life. People will come into your life that make you lose faith in humanity. You will tell yourself that all people suck. You will say you hate everyone.
No one has the right to bury you so deep in their sh*ttiness that you crumble and decay.
It has been so incredibly nice to be home for Christmas break and see my family and all my best friends. Whenever I see my absolute best friend (“my person”), we pick up exactly where we left off. She truly is “my person” – the first person I call when I’m in tears to the first person I call when I have amazing, life-changing news. She is a person that I know would never screw me over.
Remember those people. Think of the people who have not, and will not, screw you over. Keep these people always in the back of your mind to remind you that not all of mankind is despicable.
People will screw you over, but you won’t die. Trust me, it is not the end of your world. You should never let someone walk all over you and bring you so low that you don’t believe in the goodness of people. Allow yourself to hurt and to mourn, but promise me to let them go and not dwell where it all went wrong. Allow yourself to keep your guard up for a little while, but always remember to allow yourself to trust again.
You are worth so much more than sh*tty people who leave you hurt, angry, and resentful. You are cracked, not broken. You will be able to heal, to allow people in, and to trust once again.
People screw you over and then you pick yourself back up, dust off your shoes, and leave those people behind you – at a place you will never revisit because you learned from that place, and now, you are shutting the door to that place, forever.
