Before you go any further I need it to be known that some of what I say can evoke strong emotional responses. People are fragile and everyone reacts differently to certain conversations and what they read and just life in general. I firmly believe that this is something that needs to be considered.
I am a people person. I look to my left and to my right and all around me constantly. Some people actually notice this and are confused as to what I’m looking at exactly. My answer is always something along the lines of: “I’m not quite sure - I’m just looking around.” That’s far from the truth though.
I had a conversation at four in the morning with someone I just met about a month ago, and what was discussed really made me think. He asked me if I liked people and my immediate first thought was “Oh man, I’m so ready for one of those profound conversations at four in the morning about people and life and I live for these!” My second thought was yes, of course I like people. Despite what some people have put me through, I need them.
The truth behind my wandering eyes is that I observe the people around me and I just wonder what they’ve been through. I wonder what their days are like and who they spend their time with. How many people have they lost? How many have they gained? How do they spend their time? What’s YOUR story?
I’ve always been greeted with the saying “Life is too short.” Realistically speaking, life is quite literally the longest experience we’ll ever have. Living is the only thing we do every second of every day without end. However, I’ll agree with it being too short. We take a lot for granted. I myself have taken life for granted on numerous occasions and I’m not proud of it. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it’s something I’d relive again, because it’s not true.
We’re always taught that our past helps shape and mold us into who we are today, and I agree with it wholeheartedly. However, when people say “I would NEVER change a thing; I don’t think anybody would!” I couldn’t disagree more. Speaking openly and honestly, if I could go back to the few times where I’d simply given up on life and what it has to offer and tell myself that it really does get better, I would. I would prevent it because when I say that I’m a “people person” it means that I would do anything to make sure that the people around me do not have to spend countless hours wondering if I’m okay just because they haven’t heard from me for a couple days. I don’t regret a lot of my past, but I do regret the nights that tainted the way my friends and family have to think of me.
The truth is you never really know how much pain you’re really going through until you’ve seen someone else go through it with you. I’ve heard so many different stories from so many different people. How badly they want to leave and how often they’ll hurt themselves, and they speak to me in a tone so shattered and broken that I can’t help but ask them to let it all out because clearly no one else has let them. You’d think that’s the saddest part; the fact that they are sharing their darkest moments and saddest memories, crying and wishing for something they’ll never have. In all reality, it’s not.
No, the saddest moment is when they look at you – stare at you. Right into your eyes and in a huge wheezing breath they collapse and tell you how they know how loved they are. It’s hard knowing how loved you are and yet you somehow get defeated. The saddest moment is when they look up at you and without you saying a word, they know. They know that you can empathize and they know why. You don’t need to share intricate details, you don’t need to pour your soul out to these people. The saddest part is that no matter how hard you try to fake it and make it about them, they’ll always find a way to ask about you.
It’s a huge weight. We’re viewed as selfish people because of the decisions we make, but I really feel like we’re the least selfish people. We hide our feelings not because we want no one to know about them, but because we don’t want them hurting everyone around us. We internalize our thoughts, and we hush our actions and sweep them under the rug the best we can. We feel like a burden not because we want attention, but because we genuinely think the people around us gain no benefit from having us around. We hate when our pain is a part of other people’s lives, but sadly it’s inevitable when we have people who hold us close.
I’m a people person because without people I feel as if life is a bit bland. I’m a people person because the people in my life have given me what I could never give myself in a million years; the want to keep going. I hear a lot about how I shouldn’t let my happiness depend on other people, and I get that. I agree, but people misunderstand my love and need for people. I make my own happiness and desires and needs, the people that I surround myself with just give me the motivation I used to never have to pursue them. Having people around reminds me that I will always have something to live for.
I’m a people person because life is full of stories and clichéd moments and I live to hear about every last one.
