I’d describe myself as a person who puts others first. I try to make sure the people I love are happy. I think about how my actions could affect them and how what I do could make them feel.

I’d like to think that my friends would do the same for me, you know? That they’d also be considerate towards me and try their best to make me happy.

But I know that’s not always the case.

I’m not saying that everyone else is selfish; just that everyone has a hierarchy of sorts.

People typically do more for their spouses, family or best friends than for strangers or classmates. That’s the hierarchy. Those at the top (family, spouses, best friends) are given more attention, affection and things like that. It’s basically a given.

And we all know that not everyone can be best friends or family or partners. The top usually contains a limited number of people.

So for me, it doesn’t feel like I’m at the top of everyone’s hierarchy that’s on the top of mine. This is what I mean by “that’s not always the case.”

I know not everyone’s hierarchy will match perfectly. That would probably be impossible.

But it sucks that sometimes it feels like I’m not special to the people who are special to me. It can be in a romantic or completely platonic way. I could think this person is really cool and want to be closer with him/her or I could think this person is really cute and want to be with him/her. Of course, most people probably more often relate to this feeling with crushes but again, I think it can go for both.

Whether it’s a crush or a friend, you just adore that person and crave their attention. You want to be more involved in their life. You want to do more things with them. You want to be as important to them as they are to you.

Sometimes this person might be “the one that got away.” I think everyone has that kind of person in their life. Someone who you have a history with and who will always mean more to you even if you’re currently “just friends.”

But these feelings aren’t always reciprocated.

The best way I can describe this situation and feeling is how you feel when you see your friend, being super close with someone else. Or when you see your crush, treating someone else exactly the same or possibly better than how your crush treats you.

It just bothers you.

Initially, you feel special, like there’s some connection between you and that person that only you guys could have. But then you see something or hear something and you realize you got your hopes up for nothing. That maybe you’re not that special to that person after all.

Then you can’t help it, you get this ache in your chest or this heavy feeling in your stomach, maybe even watery eyes. You try to ignore it but it’s difficult.

That’s how I feel.

I have these people in my life that I adore and cherish, that are so important and irreplaceable to me… but the feeling isn’t always mutual.

What sucks more is that I’m not able to just move on and forget about it. Some people can say “Oh, if this person isn’t giving me the same effort, then they don’t deserve mine,” and then just move on, but I can’t. It’s hard, you know? When people are special to you, it’s hard to give up on them.

I mean I’ll try to look past it all and sometimes I do forget…for a little while. Then as soon as I see the slightest bit of hope, I’ll get super excited and it’ll happen again, this uneasy feeling.

But at one point, it’ll hit me. This realization that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be special to that person. It doesn’t matter how many favors I do or how many times I’m there for them or how many things I give; I just won’t have a special place in their life. At least, not the same kind of special place they have in mine.

And although it’s painful, this realization helps. It helps make letting go easier. It helps make sense of the situation. It helps me.

The thing is though, you never quite move on completely.

You’re left with almost a feeling of nostalgia, something bittersweet. This person will always be someone special to you, someone that makes you happy. But also that makes your heart ache.

In the end, you can say you’ve moved on, you can even believe you do…but deep down, that faint flicker of hope is still there.