As this year comes to a close and the holidays are rapidly approaching, it’s time to start thinking about what to put on that all-too-familiar New Year’s resolution list. While I applaud people that still take the time to make a list and actually end up following through with some of their wishes for the New Year, for most of us, the list is just that: a wish. I know myself well enough by now to realize that the common goals the average person puts into writing on Dec. 31 are just unrealistic. If people were just honest with themselves, New Year’s resolutions would look a little something like this.
1. I will go to the gym every day the week after Jan. 1; then fall back into the same sporadic exercise pattern I had last year.
We all know the gym will be annoyingly packed the whole month of January, and I for one would rather not deal with those crowds. What’s the rush to lose weight anyway? Swimsuit season is way too far away to worry about just yet.
2. I will do all my homework and stay on top of all my assignments until it gets inconvenient for me or I have something better to do that I can’t justify missing out on just to study.
Do people really think a New Year’s resolution is the key to getting all As? Yeah, good luck with that.
3. I will most likely continue with whatever bad habit I usually say I want to stop, but I will try my hardest not to develop an even worse habit.
Adding, “I will stop drinking,” to your list isn’t fooling anyone. You know you still have a half-finished bottle of vodka at your apartment to come home to after break.
4. I will transition into full mom mode and clean and organize my whole apartment as soon as I get back -- only to let everything get just as dirty and unorganized as it was during finals week.
I’ve organized my closet probably at least 10 times in my life, and somehow it always manages to revert back to it’s original state of mayhem. My real New Year’s resolution is not to waste anymore of my precious time with that pointless task.
5. I will be more conservative with my money until I get hungry.
Then I will resort to ordering large pizzas or Chinese takeout in bulk whenever I feel like it, regardless of the delivery charge.
6. I will be generally nicer to people with the exception of anyone who cuts me off in traffic, skips me in line at the bar, talks too loud in the library, parks like an idiot next to my parking spot, uses incorrect grammar in person or on social media, shows up to a party in the same outfit as me.
OK, I’m sorry, but it would save everyone some time if I just admitted there’s a 99 percent chance the New Year won’t make me a nicer person.
7. I will try new things.
I’ve been meaning to start that Netflix show my roommate has been talking about, anyway. What, did you expect me to plan a trip to go skydiving or sign up for horseback riding lessons? I don’t think so.
8. Make this year the best one yet.
This one’s for real. While I probably won’t learn from all my mistakes of this past year, I can try to have more fun and learn not to regret all the mistakes that I will make in the upcoming year. And it that doesn’t work out, hey, there’s always next year.
