To All The People I've Canceled On, I'm Sorry

To All The People I've Canceled On,

I want to see you. I really do. I got up to get ready, but my reflection was empty. I pulled all my tricks; I curled my hair, painted my nails, put on my favorite outfit, but I still felt bad. Overwhelmingly bad. So bad I had to crawl back in bed and count my breaths to keep them from escaping too fast.

My body feels heavy and tired, but I had already canceled on you last week so I have to try again. Sometimes the feeling passes, but today is a tough one. It's as if the harder I try to push forward, the stronger my heart thumps. The knot in my throat chokes me as I try to tell myself that I can do it and that everything will be alright. But today, it is not alright.

So I texted you with tears in my eyes apologizing because I can't make it. It's not intentional, it never is. I really want to go to lunch or the beach or the movies. I want to get fresh air and be in another's company.

My mind and body are at war with each other, and today was simply caught in the crossfire. This constant anxiety is something that I have to live with and today I couldn't figure out how to shut it off. It rings so loud in my mind that I can physically feel it in my body. I try my best to make it work because I value our friendship. Today, it just didn't happen. You've heard my excuses; they've been overused. I say I'm sick or I forgot I had an assignment due, but you know it's a lie. It's hard to be honest with people, though, when you already feel so small.

Please don't be angry at me for this. I wish I could be there. I can't promise you that I'll make it the next time or any other time after that. I can't promise that if I do make it out that I'll be able to stay. But I can promise you that I will try and try again to be the friend that you need and the person you want to keep inviting out. I promise that my intentions are always good and that I plan on attending every date. But today I canceled on you and I'm sorry. I hope to see you soon.

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