Yes, you've guessed it. I'm another girl grown up with abandonment and trust issues, still yet to find someone to fill the void left in my body from the ways I've been hurt. I'm another girl that's placed the responsibility on others to make me feel safe when I can't even make myself safe.
To those people I'm scared to lose, this one's for you. There's more than one of you but I don't doubt that after reading this you'll be able to know if this applies.
The more I think about it, the more the thought scares me that I could lose one or all of you. Maybe it'll be something I say or something I do that offends you, or maybe it'll be the way I'm too dependent on you. Maybe it'll be the fact that I exist that makes you want to end your relationship with me.
Not a day goes by that I don't hope and pray that you still care enough about me to stay here with me. I wake up in the morning and am nervous until I hear from you because I don't want to lose yet another link in my life.
But here's the thing: If you want to leave me, you have that full choice to. You have a beautiful, full life to live that doesn't have to have me in it. You're always in control of that and I don't want to be manipulative, making you "pity" me to stay in my life. If that's the case, please leave.
Sometimes when I sit back and think about it, I get nervous. You hold a piece of my puzzle. At any point, you could put the piece down and walk away OR you could hold it, fight this with me, and remind me of the reasons why I'm still trying myself. You hold my fragile heart. I'm scared to lose you because of how much I love you.
The truth is, I'm scared you'll wake up one morning and realize you don't love me anymore.
Now maybe this is because of my deeply rooted abandonment issues and lack of awareness of relationship boundaries. HELL I don't know. Before I met you, I protected myself against getting too close to someone. I had to look out for myself so that I wouldn't get hurt again.
Nothing will ever fill that certain shaped void in my soul that's been left by the people that've left me, and it's unfair of me to put that heavy burden on you. I try my best to remember that but sometimes I forget. Don't let me become too much for you to handle. If you have to push me away, then you have to push me away.
At the end of the day, I am scared that in losing you I will lose myself. I'm scared that you will take a piece of me that I can't get back and that eventually, I will have nothing left of myself. I will only be the shell of the girl I used to be; the little girl begging someone to hear how her day at school went.
Please remember how much I appreciate what you've done for me. Never did I expect you to impact me in the way you have. It's because of you that I've learned countless things that I will carry with me.
Just please don't leave me.
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