894,240 minutes. 14,904 hours. 621 days. 1 year and 7 months. That's how long it has been since I was able to see her face, hear her laugh, tell her that I loved her---everything.
She was my favorite person in the entire world. The person that I could go to for anything. Advice, a good laugh, a gossip session, a good smack in the head---anything.
No one ever tells you how hard it is going to be when you lose someone that you care so deeply for. The time that has gone by since she's past has been the longest 1 year and 7 months of my life. When I was sad and wanted to talk, I couldn't call her. When I wanted a good laugh, she's wasn't there. When I had some new gossip, I couldn't share it with her.
So many things have happened and she hasn't been there. She wasn't there to see. She wasn't there to talk to. She just wasn't there.
It's not just the big things either, it's the little things too. Of course it completely sucked that she wasn't there for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, and all of the other holidays. Those days were horrible, and terrible, and everything in-between. But what really gets me are the little things that happen on a day-to-day basis. The things that I am not able to mentally prepare for.
When I heard a little girl call her grandmother "Nana." When I hear people talk about cancer. When I hear a certain song on the radio. When I see something that reminds me of her or all of the things we did together. Those little things are what seems to hit me the most.
I catch myself being in a constant state of "what if." What if she never got cancer. What if there was more that could have been done. What if she were here. What if...
I wonder what it would have been like over the past year if she were here. What would we have done together? What conversations would we have had? Would she be proud of me with everything that I am doing?
She was so much more than my Nana. She was my inspiration, my role model, and the person that I loved the most in this world. She was my favorite person. She was my best friend. She was everything to me.
I have learned that life will go on. And as much as I wish it was going on with her here, that isn't possible. I can't even put into words as to what it feels like when you have to lose someone that means everything to you. It is a constant and never ending struggle.
Some people say that time heals all wounds. But I don't believe that at all, because I am still broken. I believe that with time you get used to them not being there. But that does not mean that it makes it any easier. Not by a long shot.
I am the person that I am today because of the person that she was. And I can only hope that I become half of the woman that she was. I miss her everyday, and not a day goes by that I don't think about her. But all that I can do is hope and pray that she is somewhere better. And she is looking down on me to make sure that I don't mess up too bad.
This past year has been the hardest year of my life. But I am done living in sadness. I am making a promise to her today. A promise that I will celebrate life every single day. And I will do it for her because I know that it what she would want me to do. She would not want me to wallow in my sadness.
Sure there will be days that are hard, but through it all I will be sure to live my life to the fullest. Because one thing that her passing has taught me, is that you truly never know when your last day on earth will be.
So hug the people that you love. Tell them that you love them. Get off your phone and spend some quality time with them. Make sure they know how much you love them. Because you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. The next day is never guaranteed.
