Like me, you probably know about all the superstitions of good luck and bad luck, four leaf clovers vs. a black cat, walking under a ladder vs. a horse shoe etc. You’ve also probably heard that finding a penny heads up is a sign of good luck. But what about the idea that pennies fall from heaven? The poem “Pennies From Heaven” talks about how when angels miss you or know you’re sad, they send pennies down to give you a little hope, to let you know you’re not alone, truly “heaven-cent”. And I believe it’s true.

I’ve lost a lot of loved ones. I’ve been to way more wakes and funerals than other person my age I know and I’ve relived the grieving process over and over again. Randomly at times, doing homework, in the shower, listening to music, I find myself grieving. Maybe it’s the song playing or an upcoming day that would mean something special, or passing by a place that reminds me of them. This grieving doesn’t just have to be crying, it can a deep rooted anxiety that controls my mind and body. And I find myself trapped in a dark shadow that can be so hard to lose.

Then, I get these little signs that everything will be okay. I walk into my classroom, stressed about an exam and homework I didn’t finish, and there lying on the carpet is a dirty, old copper penny. And its beautiful.

I toss and turn in my bed, unable to sleep from all the things running through my mind, keeping me awake and then getting more stressed about not sleeping. I stumble into the bathroom and there on the tile, is another penny, Lincoln’s face staring up at me. And its beautiful.

It’s crazy how this little sign can really change everything. In the moments I think I’m trapped in my own head, I get this simple message that speaks volumes. I can breathe a little bit easier knowing one of my guardian angels from heaven is watching over me. And another funny thing is, sometimes, I can feel who it is. Somewhere inside I get this reassurance that this time, its my grandmother who looking down, other times I just know its my uncle whose hand is on my shoulder.

For a brief second, it exposes a hole in my heart, one formed when those people left my life. Or at least, when I thought they did. I never considered being blessed to have lost so many people, but then again we always say so many things in life are blessings in disguise. I have angels, in heaven, watching over me, protecting me even when I didn’t know I needed to be protected. I have too many memories of my parents or friends having to tell me the news. I’ve laid many people down to rest. And each time, I start right back at the bottom, trying to crawl out of the hole of despair and disbelief. It’s a tough climb, I get a lot of bumps, cuts and bruises along the way. Some holes are harder than others to climb out of. But I keep going. Once I make it to the top, I embrace the sunlight, the new view.

Sometimes on bright sunny days and on dark and rainy ones, I find myself falling towards the hole again. It’s tempting to jump in. But then, on the concrete sidewalk, laying in a puddle from the pouring skies, I see one. A shiny, new and gleaming penny. I feel a blanket of comfort envelope me, and I breathe my sigh of relief.

And it’s beautiful.