When I first took the Pottermore Patronus quiz, my result caused a lot of the same emotions as the stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. I was expecting a magnificient creature to emerge from the woods and prance around my MacBook screen. Instead, I got this...

That's right. My patronus is a hyena. I'm not sure if it's more of a Shenzi, Banzai, or Ed. I vote Shenzi because I have deep respect for Whoopi (it takes a strong character to give up eyebrows, forever). Besides, she is the only female of the trio and Shenzi means "uncouth" in Swahili. If I'm really being honest here, the definition of feral isn't a far cry from uncouth... But, I can identify with Ed's laugh, too...so I'll let my wand choose.

All jokes aside (humor is how I deal with major forms of grief), I've done some research on my patronus (hash tag: that's so Ravenclaw). It turns out, J.K. Rowling wins again.

According to the great eighteenth-century researcher of Charms Professor Catullus Spangle, "The Patronus represents that which is hidden, unknown but necessary within the personality...the explanation for the appearance of the Patronuses in forms that their casters might not expect, for which they have never felt a particular affinity..."

Here are the top reasons why I gladly Expecto Patronum the hyena:

1. Who runs the hyena world? Girls! Their clans are matriarchal, ruled by females dominating groups of over 80. Welcome to my life at Hogwarts.

2. Hyenas are total Ravenclaws. In fact, according to a study done by Duke University, hyenas performed better at problem-solving and social cooperation than chimps! The hyenas also impressively solved all the problems in total silence, using only non-verbal signs for communication. I am very loud like a hyena, but when I've got something on my mind or a problem I'm trying to solve, I turn dead quiet and remain calm until I find the solution. People often mistake me for being upset, when really I'm just conjuring some protection spells.

3. Their laugh says it all. A hyena's laugh indicates social status. The pitch and tone lets others know its age and social status. They also have a great sense of humor and are extremely vocal. Their laughter can be heard up to three miles away and can be used to alert others of food. You guys should hear me when my pizza is ready...

4. Hyenas are feral! They are difficult to tame. Ancient Egyptians tried to make the striped hyenas pets and eventually dinner, but found them too difficult to tame and not very tasty. It was a very short-term domestication. Let that be a warning to all.

5. They are very territorial. Hyenas live in tight-knit clans. Good luck to anyone or anything that tries to intrude the sacred space known as their den. The same goes for my Baby Wizards in Hogwarts and with all my family and friends in the muggle world.

6. Hyenas really love to eat. In fact, they can eat up to one-third of their body weight. Have you ever seen me eat Empire Slice House or a Pie Junkie Oklahoma Peanut Butter? Don't let our size fool you... we can eat.

7. They're awkward and they are messy. That dumb smile, patchy hair, freckles, and those small ears...Story of my life. Is that blood on our faces or pizza? You may never know.

8. Smart animals know better than to mess with a hyena. Beneath the laughter, blood (pizza) smile, and awkward stance is an excellent hunter. Plus, without their skills and insatiable appetite, the ecosystem would be wildly off balance. You're welcome...

So for any who may laugh at my patronus, just remember I've got the last laugh.