Growing up as an only child, I had to find a way to entertain and occupy myself; in searching, I found that what comforted me most was burying myself in my education. My mom was a published author and a lover of literature, so it’s safe to say I learned to read pretty early. I had finished the Harry Potter series by the beginning of sixth grade, and I used to finish chapter books in a week. I loved reading, and I loved science. I joined a robotics club in the fourth grade, was in an honors program for half of elementary school and was in honors science, math and English classes on my way into middle school. However, when I got to middle school, everything became very different.
Most of the other girls in my classes didn’t get excited to be in school. They had their moms sign them out early, missed school when they had the slightest headache and complained about the teachers that I had respect and adoration for. They came to school with their hair straightened, makeup on and empty bookbags. I, with my bookbag sagging from the weight of books and frizzy hair, was confused. Why were they so dressed up for school? It was soon enough that I realized that the “cooler” girls didn’t love school like I did. Their main motivation for studying and making decent grades was their parents threatening to punish them if they didn’t. I started complaining about school; I didn’t study for tests anymore, and, if I did, I would purposefully get a few questions wrong so as not to have people think I was “too smart.” All throughout this process, I thought I was still learning; I was just simply hiding it from my friends. However, when I got transferred into CP Math in the eighth grade, I received a less-than-welcome wake-up call.
Entering high school, I decided it was time to fix things. I decided I was ready to be “the smart girl” again, and I came in with the expectation that it was going to be easy because I had been “the smart girl” for so long before middle school. Oh, how wrong I was. Because I had slacked in middle school and never studied in elementary school, I quickly realized I never actually learned how to study or take good notes. It took years of playing catch-up in high school to start getting good grades again. I learned that making good grades wasn’t only about being intelligent; you take from the school system what you put into it.
As I studied more and started seeing results in my grades, I wondered why I thought it was a good idea to stop trying in the first place. What was so wrong with a smart girl having ambition? Looking back on the time in my life when I started giving up on my education, I realized that it was because of other people’s opinions. Women receiving an education is a relatively new concept historically; I still meet far more men than women who plan to go to medical school or STEM fields, like myself. The underlying thinking of women being bred specifically to be housewives and mothers still exists in society. I met too many boys that were intimidated by my grades and how much I cared about school; some even got offended when I would correct them on a fact or make a better grade than them on a test or in a class. In a way, these experiences made me even happier to be a strong, smart woman, and it eventually led me to be with someone who wanted to talk about school, politics, classes and my plans for medical school and the future.
I finally got back on track at the end of high school, but starting college was a nerve racking experience for me. I was ridden with thoughts that I wasn’t ready for the academic stresses of college when I was still feeling my way around studying and time management. However, I discovered that college was like a playground. The classes were interesting, the workload was intense and I could finally enjoy learning again. I am now surrounded by a community of people who love the courses they’re taking, and who understand if I need to stay in and write a paper or study for a test. They're the kind of people who are fine with hanging out with other friends in the library. They're friends who support my dream of medical school instead of thinking I’m a crazy workaholic for even considering the idea. College reignited the love of learning I possessed a long time ago, and for that, I will be ever thankful. I love piling too much on my plate, reading about diseases, broken bones and surgeries, and staying in the biology lab until 10:00 at night.
My days of pretending that I’m confused, that I failed a test, that I'm not an independent, intelligent girl are far behind me, and it feels amazing. I can finally raise my hand in class again and own my intelligence. To any girls who are reading this article and are in a similar situation, you can do this. Be a #girlboss, be a nerd, be an author, be whatever you want. Because in the grander scheme of things, you are the only person who actually cares about how smart you are. Stop being just good and let yourself be brilliant again. It is well worth it.
