I Am My Own Enemy
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Politics and Activism

I Am My Own Enemy

I Am Fighting Myself

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I Am My Own Enemy
decaf.kouhi.me

I remember when I attended a welcome party a few days ago when someone said that dark skin people do not get as much attention as a light skin person. I wish I had lighter skin because society thinks those who are light are attractive than those with darker skin. Sometimes I wish I was a size zero because skinny girls are Victoria Secret models but girls my size are not. Sometimes I wish I was asked to homecoming and prom so I could tell my children and grandchildren that their mom and grandma had a date. Sometimes I wish I had a guy in my life because apparently I am a lesbian or bi because I never had a boyfriend and attend a women’s college. Sometimes I wish I was not bullied. I wish I was born rich so I could travel around the world and help people. Sometimes I wish I had that one person that I could rely on and share everything that’s in my heart. Sometimes I wish I was not on the pre-med track. Sometimes, just sometimes I wish I did not make the mistakes in the past. But then again do I really want to change those things?

Just last year on this day I had low self-esteem and once I got into college it all changed. The genes that created me from both my parents made me beautiful whether people accept it or not. I am not dumb I just need to work hard and change my study habits. I love my skin and the color, what matters is how I am as a person. I am okay with my body size but I still want to lose some fat because I want to and not for the world. I need to stop comparing myself to others because I am gorgeous the way I am, even though the celebrities and others make jealous sometimes. It's okay that I was never asked to prom or homecoming, I will tell my children and grandchildren that I had a great time with the people that I call my best friends aka baes. I wish I had a guy in my life, since I have been single since the “day I was born,” but then again in order for me to be in a relationship I need to like myself for who I am before being with someone. Just because I go to a women’s college does not mean I am LGBT+ I just wanted to change myself and learn how to become a leader, a female leader, which is going pretty well actually. I am glad I was bullied, sometimes, because those are the people who were in my thoughts when I wanted to change myself. Thank you for making me a better me. I do not need one person I have many persons that I can share my thoughts and concerns with and get various answers that help me. I am so glad my parents are not richy rich because I want to work hard and strive to help fulfill my families dreams, mostly my parents and grandma’s, and definitely help those in third world countries in which I want to become a successful doctor. Sometimes I am hesitant in becoming a doctor and just become a famous Bollywood actress, but then again I love the medical field and want to pursue a career in it. There are less doctors in the world anyways. Finally, I am glad I made several mistakes because life is not perfect. Life's a roller coaster ride and it is not getting any easier and without it, you will not gain anything. I have changed so much thanks to everything that has happened in the past and people who have always been there for me. I am really glad the other self is in a coma because I am starting to like the new self.

Also, this is a quote that hit me hard and I am just going to leave it here. Read it not with your eyes and mouth but with your imagination. Love it!

“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.

'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”

Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

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