I have always had a deep insecurity when it comes to my weight. I believe many people have this insecurity. It has affected me ever since I was a little girl. I knew I wasn’t thin and I had to be extra careful what I ate and when I ate it. Still, no matter how much weight I lost I always thought I could lose more. Until I looked like the girl smiling in a clothing ad or the girl that could fearlessly wear whatever she wanted I couldn’t understand pure happiness.
Freshman year of college I was terrified of that phrase “freshman 15”. I stayed away from gaining any weight and it got pretty bad. Sure, I dropped a lot of weight by the end of freshman year. But by the time summer came I was underweight, eating two meals a day. Mostly veggies and half a tuna sandwich or a couple pieces of sushi. I worked out two hours every day and drank so much water to ignore that “hungry” feeling. It got so bad that I got sick. Making sure nobody knew about it, I kept a smile on my face and made sure I was always spunky.
After getting medical attention, I knew I couldn’t continue like that. I had to make a change and start eating some food again. So I changed my ways, but I started growing so upset with myself. The stress in my life got worse. I felt like I had no control if I couldn’t under-eat. The weight came back on and so did my insecurities. I looked at people and the only thing I thought was they probably noticed my legs jiggling or the double chin showing. I felt like I was carrying myself in this fat-filled body. It got to the point where I’d stay in on the weekends because I didn’t want people to notice me. The scale number kept rising and I felt myself giving up.
One day I thought that this was me now. The girl hiding or knowing she shouldn’t be the one trying to buy the nice outfit because it won’t look good anyways. The girl who didn’t show her confidence because the way her body looked. Then I got tired of it. Every day was one negative thought after another, and I was ignoring me. I couldn’t be this forever; I couldn’t put a hold on my life because of my body. Who I am is worth it, but nobody will know I am worth it unless I know it for myself.
So I got back into working out, but I was afraid I’d go back to my old ways. To break my fear, I read a lot on how to correct your negative thoughts and stop attacking the way you look. I read about how as long as you are healthy it doesn’t matter where the fat is. The point was that I eat right and workout at least 3 times a week. I did this, and although this time around I wasn’t dropping 3-4 pounds every week, I knew I was becoming healthier. I knew I was doing the right thing for me. Even if that means it takes more time for my results.
Right now I don’t look like the girl in the clothing ad. I still have my weight that I have to work on. Right now I am actually healthy. I eat when I am hungry, and I work out a moderate amount. I hold the confidence to be proud of myself for knowing I take care of my body. If I could tell every female in the world that she looks beautiful being herself then I would. Your body doesn’t speak for your personality. Your body doesn’t communicate how amazing you are as an individual. Every person’s body is different and should be cared for. Your body is a physical form that you have to be treated with respect so that you can live a long, healthy, and happy life.
