Depression is scary. To me, it's less like a symptom that comes and goes but more like an unwelcomed visitor who kept wanting to stay at your home. He's not doing much, he's just… there. Eating your food, watching your TV, taking over space on your bed, littering, occupying the showers, etc. He complains about your mistakes, he reminds you of your failures, and he sure as hell will not let you eat, sleep, or shower in peace.
I've had this guest with me for a couple years now. Needless to say, he's not the best guest and I'm not the best host and I want him out.
I didn't know how to do that. I tried to physically force him out. Nope, didn't work. I tried beating him up. Turns out I was just beating myself up. I tried to talk him out— well, you know what happens.
Then I tried talking to my friends to ask them to get him out. Okay, he's budging. He's budging a little but at least he's budging. What if I hung out with people and starve him alone in the house. Okay that's working. He's got a lot of blubber so that wouldn't work too well, plus Busch Gardens passes are quite expensive.
How about talking to a professional depression-man remover aka a psychologist? Oh this is actually working well. He seems to not like her too much. He's removing himself. He's going to the door. He's about to leave—wait. Why is he just standing by the doorframe? Why is he not going?
"I'll miss this place." He said.
"Yeah well, bye!" I replied.
"Don't you miss me too?"
"No, can't say I do."
"But you do miss me. You miss me being in the kitchen at 8, at work at 10 and in classes at 2. You miss seeing me at home whenever you come back. You miss me."
"Maybe a little—"
"A lot. You'll miss me a lot."
"So what do I do? I can't let you stay. You'll ruin my life."
"I will behave."
"Yeah, I wish."
I let him stay. I didn't know why but he stayed. He kept his promise though, he behaved nicely. Over the course of a month, I almost never saw he was there. I can't even find him in the house. It's like a perpetual game of hide and seek. He never came back into my view.
All I'm saying is depression is a hard fight to win. It's not a disease that you can just remove. It's just there. It's never going to go. But you can always make it a smaller part of your life. So small that eventually you'll never have to think of it again.
Take the hard fight. Because you know it's worth it.