Yesterday, I walked into my dorm wearing a sun dress and heels. I sat down on my kitchen counter, dropped my face into my hands... and cried. So many questions raced through my mind. Why am I not good enough? Why is everyone else better than me? Why am I not successful? What’s wrong with me? I made my way into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My mascara ran down my face, my eyes were red and puffy and my nose was running. I looked down and thought to myself “You’re a hot mess, Abby” and watched more tears drip into the sink.

All because you came back.

The day I decided, once again, to ignore you and chase another one of my life long dreams, you laughed in my face. The day I chose to stand up and be noticed, you tell me to sit down and be quiet. You show me there’s better people out there than me, you point out my flaws, you make me question why I chase after my dreams. Honestly, you make me feel like I’m worthless.

Yes, I’m talking to you: Rejection.

Most of the time, I ignore you. You come around and laugh at me when I try to do something new. I make plans for myself and my life but you always tell me I’m not good enough. You stand in my way and when I try to jump over you, you jump higher and send me crashing back toward the earth. But that’s okay, I can get up and brush it off. And that’s what I usually do, brush it off. But yesterday, I didn’t want to get up and brush it off.

A few days ago, somebody complimented me on how I always put myself out there and chase my dreams. He told me that he wishes he had the motivation to do what I do. That made me feel as if I won our never ending battle. Even when you push me down, I get back up, and somebody saw that! He saw that!

But yesterday, it didn’t matter that he saw that, because I didn’t want to get back up. You hit me an extra couple of times leaving me hurting more than usual. Besides, I always end up where I started when I get back up. Yesterday, That same person saw that I was going to let you defeat me and he said something, something I don’t think I will ever forget and something I needed to hear.

“I wish you saw yourself the way I see you.”

This morning I looked at myself in the mirror and I told myself I will not be who I was yesterday. I will not let “no” knock me down. I will not let YOU knock me down. I will not let you defeat me. You will not run my life. You will not have a say in how I think about myself anymore. I will not wave my white flag and cry because of you. That is not who I am. I will brush it off, just like I always do. I will make you into a lesson. Today, I will be the person I want to be instead of the girl I saw in the mirror yesterday.

You almost defeated me, you almost won. But today, I am leaving you behind. Today, I am victorious.