When I was in elementary school, I always fantasized about the future. I thought about what out of state college I would attend, how many children I would have and what their names might be, and of course, who I might end up with. During recess, my friends (guys and girls alike) and I spent so much time planning our future weddings. The color scheme. The music. The flower arrangements. The venue. Will it be a church wedding? Is my dress going to be strapless? Will my groom, Zac Efron, even show up? Funny how getting hitched was a bigger deal to me then, than it is now. And it's an even bigger deal to those around me.
I once told my mom that I was never going to get married, and to this day, I still think I caused her high blood pressure. I didn't mean it, of course, but it sparked a question in my head. Why is marriage such an expected aspect of our lives? In the media, there are women of immense success that have never gotten married: Condoleeza Rice, Coco Chanel, Oprah Winfrey. The list can go on. While marriage can be a great thing, it is not the only thing, and this concept has proven to be difficult for our society to grasp.
The imposition of marriage begins at a generally young age. Consider all the children, both girls, and boys, that would put on play weddings in their backyard or that would get mock-married to their cousin. But that only happens in Arkansas. When asked, in an interview, how to choose a spouse, a 10-year-old boy named Alan replied ever-so-graciously, "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." While his response seems like harmless humor, coming from a young boy, it confirms to us how early this mindset is embedded into our culture. And from childhood, the notion that women are meant to be wives translates into the lives of teenagers.
As teens, many of us spent our time in high school looking for some sort of validation. We played sports and joined clubs to feel like we were a part of something. We focused on grades because we feel like any success, or lack thereof, that we acquire in life will be based on whether or not we had a 4.0 GPA. And for some, marriage and, in a broader sense, relationships come with a reassurance that we are desirable. Feeling wanted is common amongst teens, and along with having a steady job and a kid the older generation has the tendency of describing marriage as a rite of passage into legitimate adulthood. However, as millennials and Gen Z are slowly developing an immunity to the allure of marriage, the constant arm-twisting from those around us is still present.
Well, if you think about it, history depicts the importance and status associated with age-old traditions like marriage, but they also have many counts of dehumanizing those few women who never "achieved" a marriage. For instance, in South Korea, when a woman dies without ever marrying she becomes a "maiden ghost." Stories tell that these ghosts harness a lot of rage and bitterness because "they never served their purpose in life of winning a husband." William Shakespeare, inarguably the most influential writer of all time, mentions in both "The Taming of the Shrew" and "Much Ado About Nothing" that when an unmarried woman dies, she is doomed to spend her time leading apes into hell. Actually, during the British Regency, "ape leader" became the popular slang term that replaced "old maids." These are just a few countless examples of the stigma that historically plagues single women.
Notice how when a man remains unmarried, he is deemed an eligible bachelor, someone who chose to be single. On the flip side, single middle-aged women are coined as "spinsters" or for use of a more modern term "crazy cat ladies." But despite all the outward sources of coercion, what we often fail to realize, as well, is that pressure can be self-administered. I mean, let's face it, no one wants to be lonely or depressed, but the assumption that a spouse can cure whatever existential crisis you have is nothing short of misleading. Relationship consultant Dr. Barbara de Angelis insists that "when you are feeling lonely or desperate, you are much more likely to make poor love choices and end up in unfulfilling relationships."
It's also a common belief that marriage comes at a certain time in your life. According to the 2013 U.S. Census Bureau, the average age for marriage is about 27 years old for women and 29 for men, but that doesn't necessarily mean to freak out when that time comes and you're still single. The Pew Research Center presents data that suggests higher divorce rates with people that tie the knot before the age of 23. When looking at divorce rates, we tend to try solving them by suggesting marriage counseling or we try and defend by saying that they grew apart or that people change, but it seems as though, the real issue with those failed marriages is that some of them should have never happened in the first place.
Marriage, in its simplest terms, is not bad. As I said before, the issue at hand is not that people are getting married but that too many of us have a hard time grasping the concept of marriage not being in the cards for everyone. Oprah Winfrey once said, "With every experience, you alone are painting your own canvas, thought by thought, choice by choice."
She didn't need a ring from Stedman to come to that conclusion. The sacrament of marriage is meant to be celebrated when two individuals share an unbreakable bond, not anticipated as people reach a certain age. So before rushing to say "I do," really sit back and ask yourself…"Do I?"
