Have you ever felt like an outsider or the outlier in a community you're a part of? Have you felt as if you acting as yourself in the most authentic way possible felt wrong because of your skin? It sucks, and you don't know how to deal with it at first. You change your mannerisms a bit in order to fit the mold of what's expected of you due to your skin. You want to be a part of a community as much as the next person; You want to feel like you belong, and somehow you just don't even with the effort you put in.
These are feelings I have when it comes to the community I've never really felt like I belonged in which is the black community. I know, it's weird having this sort of attitude directed at the community, but it is in my own opinion as to why I don't feel belonged in the community and why I don't feel as connected with the community as I should really be.
Growing up I've dealt with the ideas of how I should act due to me being black, that the way I talk makes me sound white, that I should only be dating girls that are black, you know the usual. It has affected me in a way where I felt really disconnected from the community, or at least what it means to be a part of it.
Being me in my own experience was what made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin literally, it made me feel out of place. I don't know if this is a relatable thought or not, but it's something that's been in my head for a long time, and it one of the main reasons why I wasn't confident within myself. It caused me to feel as if the community wouldn't accept me for who I am and gave me the unfortunate idea that they wouldn't really like anyone like me.
Over time I started to not really let those sort of things bother me anymore, but they are still in my head from time to time, and I don't give them power over me and the life that I choose to live. I learned a very important lesson from my mom and it has stuck with me ever since. In broad terms, I don't have to satisfy anyone except myself and God. It is something that I've stuck by for a while and will continue sticking by for a very long time because it taught me that the only person I should only ever satisfy is myself, and if it's right with God up there or whoever is up there, then I don't need to worry about who I should be when it comes to others.
