Dear Friend,
I hope this letter finds you doing well. It is not easy growing up without a father. Well, I suppose I can't really say we've grown up without a father in the truest sense because our biological fathers are still very much alive. However, just because a father is alive doesn't mean that they are present and play an active role in their son's life. Some people will tell us that we ought to be grateful that our fathers are still alive and that we have known them, and if you're like me, you would never honestly wish that your father would wake up one day and be hit and killed by a train. Sure, we may feel great anger and hatred toward our fathers, but even in our darkest hour we would never wish death upon one of our parents. That said, only people who have grown up with an absentee father can truly understand what that is like and the struggles we go through on a daily basis, yet rarely if ever show to the outside world.
I do not want this letter to be centered around myself and my own personal testimony of growing up without a father. I do not want you, or anyone else for that matter to feel pity for me. Despite being strangers, you and I can both relate to each other because we understand that pity from others insinuates that we are victims of having been dealt a rough hand of cards in the game of life. Pity only enforces this idea of the "victim-mindset," and that somehow our lives, our stories, have been tainted. Pity enforces the idea that we are damaged goods, and that our "daddy issues" will inhibit us from reaching our goals and dreams unlike those who grew up with a father active and present in their lives. I do not wish to share with you all the areas of my life where I have struggled or failed due to having an absentee father. My main goal and hope for this letter is that it inspires you. Society is constantly beating it into our heads saying that men who grow up with absentee fathers are somehow highly disadvantaged and that their success in life will be minimal. That said, allow me to shatter that societal expectation and share with you a story of success.
When I was 6-years-old, my family moved from Long Island, NY, to Asheville, NC. Within a year of living in the south, my father moved out of the house. Even while I was physically living with my father those first 6 years, he was still always absent, and it was my mother who has raised me ever since I was born. For 21 years of my life I have had a absentee father.
On-course to fail? Not quite.
Did I have several behavioral issues growing up because my father was not around to discipline me? Not once have I ever gotten into a physical fight or have been suspended from school. I credit my mother for keeping me in-line.
Do I treat women poorly and not know how to act around them? Instead of having my father tell me how women should be treated, my mother taught me how women want to be treated. I credit my mother for teaching me how to be a gentleman.
Do I know how to change a tire on a car? No, but my mother taught me how to be independent by being able to read manuals and understand diagrams. I credit my mother for teaching me how to figure out things for myself.
Do I know how to tie a tie? I had to look up a couple YouTube videos, but I got the hang of it pretty quick. Again, I credit my mother for teaching me to be independent.
At only 21 years of age, allow me to briefly share with you some of my successes (besides learning how to tie a tie), all accomplished without the father society tells young men that they so desperately need.
At age 17 I traveled around the world to Beijing, China, and gained a valuable cultural experience. About a year later I graduated from Reynolds high school with honors and no disciplinary infractions. My first semester of college I had a straight 4.0 GPA, and now have a 3.96 GPA as a senior about to graduate next spring. I was a participant at the 2015 Buncombe County GOP Convention, and even voted in the primaries for the presidential election. I am part of numerous honor societies for my school and major, as well as several clubs and organizations.
Above all, I joined the Boy Scouts of America at a young age, a program typically dominated by fathers and their sons. Unlike the other boys, I did not have a father with me on any of the camping trips that I went on. Did I feel like an outcast? Was I treated with kid-gloves? Was less expected from me? The answer is yes to all those questions. But did I crack under pressure and the expectation to not do as well as the other boys who had fathers?
The answer is an affirmative no. On December 10th, 2012, I passed my Board of Review and officially became an Eagle Scout for life. Was my father standing there by my side in my greatest moment of personal success as of yet? No, it was my mother.
To conclude, I hope you finish reading this letter feeling inspired and knowing that having a father does not determine how successful you will be in life. Society says men need fathers to be a success. Society says that being raised by your mother makes you less masculine and less of a man. Do not believe such fallacies even for a second. The only things you need to succeed are perseverance, determination, and someone, anyone, who believes in you.
Rest easy young man, and know that if you have the will to succeed, you already have the ability to achieve.
Sincerely,
Daniel Sullivan
