At a young age, I watched as my Father found refuge in a computer screen at the expense of my Mother, and I hated him for it.

At 16 I dated a boy who cheated on me multiple times, and while I hated him, I also started to hate myself.

At 18 I fell in love with a man who was six years older than me, and insisted that it was ridiculous that I expected him to stop watching pornography just because we were dating. I continued to love him, and hated myself for not being enough.

It would be an understatement to say that pornography and infidelity (because the two go hand in hand) have had a resounding effect on my life. And that is why, as you read this article, the first thing I want to make perfectly clear is this:

It wasn't you.

Even if you're convinced it was you. Even if, God forbid, he has told you that "You caused it" or "You are part of the problem", it wasn't you. You can not make this happen. Even if you wanted to, you could not make your husband become addicted to pornography. You do not have that power. In fact, no one does.

You see, no one can make you sin, just like no one can make your husband sin. Just like in Matthew Ch. 4, when Satan met Jesus in the wilderness to tempt him, Satan could not make Jesus sin. Sin in a choice to fall into a temptation. A choice that is made by the person committing the sin. So, let me again reassure you that it wasn't you who made this happen

The second thing I would like you to know, is something that you have most likely tried to reassure yourself of but have failed to actually believe, which is why you're reading this article in the first place:

You are enough. You have always been enough. You will never stop being enough.

God chose you: "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of Darkness and into His marvelous light." - 1 Peter 2:9

God created you for His purpose: "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." - Ephesians 2:10

God gives you secure shelter in Him: "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields them all day long, and the one the Lord loves rest between His shoulders." - Deuteronomy 33:12

Your worth, whether or not you are enough, is not determined by your husband. It is not determined by your children. It is not determined by your church attendance or your baking skills or your waist size. Your worth was supremely determined by the Lord when He sent His only Son to die for your sins, and mine, and He proclaimed that you were enough to make an Earth shattering, Heaven shaking, sacrifice for. And no ones, no ones sins, not even your husbands, are ever going to change your worth in the eyes of the Lord who created the Heavens and the Earth.

And lastly, the thing you need to know is this:

You can not change his heart. You can not heal his addiction. Only God can do that.

I don't know where your husband is at in his addiction. I don't know if he's still denying that he has a problem, if he is trying to hide his problem from you, or if he is trying to find a way to escape this sin that has overtaken him. Here is what I do know: He is never going to escape the pit of sin he has gotten himself into without God. The problem is that you can not make him seek out God. You can't, because it is as much his choice to escape the sin as it was to fall into it in the first place. What you can do is this:

You can love him, and continue your fight through better and worse like you promised you would on the day that you married him.

You can forgive him and realize that he is human, like you are, and that whether pornography, infidelity, lying, or anger you will both always struggle with sin.

You can pray for him. Pray that God change his heart and remove this darkness from his soul.

And lastly, you can let him know. Let him know that you love him, despite the sin, and that you are praying for him. Let him know that you look toward the future with hope, hope that he will become the Spiritual Leader that the Lord intended him to be for your family.

I hope that you know you are not alone. I will pray for you, any of you who will read this article and find hope to strive toward the future. I will pray that God blesses your family and holds your husband's heart close. I will pray that your story at the end of the day about how pornography has effected your life will be a story about the Grace of God and how the Lord changes hearts and lives.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."

Psalm 51:10