Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe how long it has been. There are so many things that I wish you could have been here for, but there's so much you should know. I never thought growing up that I would have the opportunity for everything to change. I was worried forever about the idea of being alone when I walked down the aisle, but now I don't have to... Here are some things you need to know.

1. I don't feel so alone anymore.

He didn't take your place, but Jon has managed to be there for me through everything, and I am confident that he always will be. He gives me guy advice, life advice and trusts absolutely no one that I date. I feel like that's the proper response of the man who readily became my father.

2. It's getting easier.

Your birthday and the anniversary of your death are way less difficult to deal with now. I'm not saying that I'm over it and that I don't miss you; I'm saying that it finally got slightly easier. I'm not as scared as I was before, and even though I'm super clingy when it comes to him, we make it work. We understand each other.

3. I don't think that you would be proud of me.

Something inside me says that maybe you wouldn't be so proud or even that excited about my accomplishments. I need people to be here for me and tell me that I'm doing a good job, but I don't feel like you would be that proud of me at all. I'm still not sure why.

4. I'm still angry with you.

I'm not blaming you for your problems or whatever your reasons were, I'm just concerned about your methods. If you didn't feel like you could handle it, why didn't you just change everything? Why was it necessary to put us through all of this pain? You can beat it, you know; it just takes time.

5. I miss you.

Sometimes. Typically late at night when no one can help talk me down or when I'm driving or about to go to an event. This whole month leading up to your anniversary is terrible. I'm exhausted and stressed out. I'm grouchy and cry all the time. Small things set me off, but there isn't a way to deal with it.

I'm still not sure what to think about everything. Between the madness and the anger that you have caused, I don't know how I should feel. Everyone who has lost a parent says that it will get easier, but I don't think they understand how different it is to lose a parent to suicide. It is difficult because it's everywhere. People worship it and glorify it all the time, but they don't understand; it isn't a funny, cool thing. It is pain and suffering. It's terrible on the family, the spouses, the children, but still, they worship it. 15 years. That's what it is to have to wait and deal with everything. 15 years of torment and torture because you thought it would be easy. It wasn't.