To the person/people I trust the most,

I’m so used to being blamed, asked why I didn’t fight. I’m asked why I “let” him carry on after I said “stop” and “no." I’m so used to people not understanding why I froze then, why now I’m still frozen. I’m so used to people not understanding why this affected me so much, why I’m hurting, why this pains me to think about every day.

This tragic event consumes me. This man who did this to me is doing who knows what and enjoying life with no pain. This man who had the audacity to apologize to me the day after because "he shouldn't have tried it with a girl as great as me." A man who asked me if I had finished because I was begging him to stop because it hurt so bad. This man who had no actual realization of what he put me through then and the battle I'm facing forever is walking, living and enjoying life.

I let myself think I can walk these days by myself, hiding my pain with a smile because that is easier than explaining my feelings. I thought I could conquer my emotions, and that I had, but then it all hits me. It only takes one memory to prove that I had not yet won this war with myself.

But you. My friend. You saw through my pain and saw hope I couldn’t see. You encouraged me and loved me through it all.

I’m not good at asking for help when I need it. I’m not good at feeling vulnerable and weak — even more now. You’re good at giving me the time I need and not pressuring me to talk. You help me see my worth and my potential when I’m falling to pieces.

I’m not good at letting things go. I’m not good at forgiving people who hurt me. It doesn’t feel like those flashbacks and nightmares will ever go away. I’m not good at talking things through the way I should. I'm not good at fighting through the pain when it hits me all over again.

Thank you. Thank you for asking how I was doing every day. Thank you for making me tell you how I was actually doing, even when I said I was fine. Thank you for teaching me how to stay open and real when all I wanted to do was run and hide.

Thank you for making sure I took the time to breathe when I felt like I was drowning. Drowning in fear, in pain and hurt, in memories and in the unknown of the future. Thank you for helping me feel again when all I felt was numb.

Thank you for not judging me through all of the tears and the late-night text messages. Thank you for making me smile through the hurt and helping me see the good in the world. Thank you for not allowing me to place self-blame. Thank you for building me up, as all I was doing was tearing myself down, dragging myself to think I was nothing, worthless. Thank you for teaching me to love myself and see my worth, because it is so important to do so.

Thank you for not running when I told you, like so many have. Thank you for sitting in silence as I told you about that night. Thank you for not being awkward as I cried or held back the tears. Thank you for believing me when I told you. Thank you for not judging me while I justified what happened that night, in fear of accepting the truth of the matter.

Thank you for helping me learn to forgive those who hurt me because you know I struggle with that. Thank you for teaching me that if I hold on to that pain, I will never be happy again because I’m letting that bitterness destroy my heart.

Thank you for telling me life isn’t always fair, but it will get better. Thank you for standing by my side when I feel alone and hopeless. Thank you for teaching me that not everyone will hurt me throughout this crazy life of mine, but when some do, just keep moving forward. Thank you for encouraging me to talk to someone. Thank you for reminding me to lean on the Lord because He is the only true Healer.

I hope you realize I am forever grateful for you. Thank you for helping me carry on.

Love,

A Survivor.

**He may be living a pain-free, happy life, but I have one hell of a testimony that will reach far more lives than his ever will. I am fighting to breathe, I am fighting to carry on and I forever will. Even after he took everything from me for his selfish wants. I will forever fight. We must not remain silent about rape culture.**

Survivors, I believe you. I support you. I hope you find peace. I hope you learn to forgive your abuser, even though they don't deserve it, but because you do.