“Never leave me.”

“I won't.”

“I don’t mean just today.”

“I know what you meant, I’m not going anywhere.”

Flash forward six years, I’m only 18, and I’m saying goodbye to my best friend.

I was holding your hand; it was still just as warm as it always was- you were warm: Your heart, your hugs, and your voice. I refused to believe this was goodbye. Our memories flash into my head in a whirlwind.

You always said we were inseparable from the moment I was born. Everyone could tell our bond was undeniable, our friendship… impeccable. You were the only person I would let hold my hand crossing the street no matter how old I was and no matter where we were. You are the reason why ice cream is my favorite dessert, and the reason I am so strong today.

You left shortly before my high school graduation. I cried more for you than I did for myself. I knew how badly you wanted to be there on that day, my wedding day, and every day in between. We were supposed to do this together. We always talked about living life together.

I miss you. I miss you so much it physically hurts me. My heart screams for you and sometimes I can’t breathe because I’ll never hear your laugh again, the way you used to call upstairs for me when you got to my house on Sunday mornings, being the first one to call on my birthday, and our “I love you more” fights. God, I miss those the most.

I would give up everything and anything to have you back here, but I know you’d never allow that. You were the most selfless person I had ever known, and it makes me hate myself that I wasn’t there more when you needed me. I’m so, so sorry I wasn’t around when time was running out. It destroyed every part of me to see you in pain and I am the most selfish person in the world for not being by your side every minute. I know you would have done it for me. I can hear you now, yelling at me for feeling that way, but I needed you to know.

I am so proud of you. You held on for as long as you possibly could and I’m so thankful. I know I begged you to stay, and I’m sorry for being selfish. You were tired, and I knew it. But when I tell you that losing you was the most devastating thing that has, and will ever happen to me, believe me. At my young age, I had already faced the toughest loss ill ever have.

I can’t count the number of times I stop in random places and feel like I can’t take another step because something reminds me of you. All I want to do is fall on the ground and cry, but I don’t. I don’t, because reminders of you are a blessing, and I’ve learned to embrace them instead of cry. I have your name tattooed on my body to try to fill the void, it doesn’t. But, it’s another reminder that what we had was special.

Thank you for teaching me to never allow someone to walk all over me, to reach for the stars, that my best IS always good enough, and screw anyone who thinks otherwise. You taught me people come and go but family is forever, our bond is forever.

You left too soon, I didn’t even get the proper goodbye. If I had, I would hug you, thank you for everything you’ve given me and most importantly, I would tell you "I love you more."