You're my world. My literal everything. So why do I keep doing this to you? Why do I keep hurting you time after time? Why is it so hard for me to be understanding for once -- be normal for once?

I shouldn't get so jealous. I should be accepting and know that nothing will happen. The very act of being jealous now annoys me. But not as much as it annoys you, I'm sure.

I shouldn't get so angry. I know that when you say those things you aren't trying to hurt me. You're just fed up with me -- and being honest I would be too if the roles were switched. Most of the time I'm not sure how you still are able to look past my low days. I really shouldn't be so sensitive.

So why can't I just stop?

I know that's an unrealistic expectation. I know that'll never happen, and honestly I'd probably be pissed if someone told me those words. Hypocritical, I know. But truth be told, I try my hardest to "just stop" every day for your sake.

I want to stop being the reason you blow your friends off. Whether they even know my insecurities are the reason you do or not. I want to trust you when you go out without me. Honestly, I feel like I already do. It's just this sick, twisted part of my brain that screams jealousy at me. And I want that part to stop.

I hate that when we hang out I get myself into these moods. I hate that I constantly change our good ones. And I hate that I do it without a reason -- like it's some kind of distorted reflex my anxiety has coded into my brain.

You're lying asleep next to me as I write this and I pray that you don't wake up. Because I don't know if I want you to see this just yet. I don't know if I want to explain it just yet.

It's so much easier just letting you read the thoughts in my head than saying them out loud. At least then I'm not around when you get the first blow. Or maybe it's just that I feel less connected to them then, which is usually what I strive for when it comes to my thoughts. Because usually they just make me wonder how many more days you'll put up with this. How many more nights I'll be lucky enough to lie next to you.

I know you wish I could open up in person. And I want that just as much as you.

But, you see, a part of me is a coward. I run from the very thought of confrontation, and my emotions have always been something I buried deep within me.

I want you to know that I'm trying though. I'm trying to force myself into situations I wouldn't otherwise be in because I know that's the only way I'll see that they aren't all bad.

It's like teaching a young toddler how to walk. Everyone in the room but the child knows they have it in them. Everyone but the child has belief that good will come from this struggle.

I hope one day that I can grow out of being that child. I hope one day that I can look at you and not be immobilized by the thoughts of everything I've put you through.

I hope one day that I can look at you and know that you're the happiest you can be and that that's with me.