To the friend who cut me off,

I want to miss you. I think I miss you. Then I think about what happened between us -- what you said, what I said, what you did, how I reacted. Then I realize that my life is better without you. It’s incredibly hard to remember that. But I’m trying, because if you wanted me back, you’d make an effort.

Right? You’re not waiting for me to make a move, right? You’re the one who left, you should be the one to come back. If you think I don’t want you back, you’d be wrong. Of course I want you back. I miss our dumb conversations about pointless things. I miss yelling on the Zipper with you. I miss making up stupid dances to overplayed Kanye songs. I miss driving to Walmart for no apparent reason.

But I don’t want you back. You abandoned me when I needed you most. I think of all the situations you could have saved me from, but you chose them over me. All of your excuses to cancel our plans were so poorly thought out, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt and let you go. I eventually caught on, but I still put up with it. You threw our five-year friendship to the wind and never looked back. You will never be able to fathom how much that hurt me.

It amazes me that even after I realize all of this, I still want to call you when I hear one of our songs. You still show up in my dreams and things are back to how they were before the cut off. I still miss your parents and your pets, I heard that your dog passed and I wanted to run over to give you a hug. I miss the smell of your house and our cookie-baking fiascos at three in the morning. I remember our stupid New Year's Eve plans and the fact that we took a selfie at midnight instead of cheering.

I hope you know that it takes everything in me not to call you. I want to. But I have to think. Will it even be the same? Can we pick up where we left off, or will it always be a bitter-filled friendship? I know I can’t forgive what you did to me, and you to I, but would the renewal of the friendship overcome that? I don’t think I will ever know, and that kills me.

I hope you’re well. I truly do. I don’t wish anything negative upon you. I hope your family is well. I hope you’re coping with the loss of your dog I hope your college experience is as great as you were hoping it would be. I hope you find a great guy, because you deserve one. I hope you get that internship that you always wanted. I hope your life is going where you want it to go. Despite our bumpy history, I will always want the best for you. You’re still my best friend. We just don’t have any contact with each other anymore. I still love you. Always will.