To My #1 Queen,
You're probably wondering why I left. Who knows, though. You were always better at getting over things than I was. But I didn't tell you why I left, because I didn't want to hurt you. I've been left before, and it hurt to know why I wasn't good enough for them... You probably won't ever read this, and I'm okay with that. But if you want to read it, here it is.
Friendship is like the banks of a river. The banks are not perfectly parallel. There are times when there is a mile of river in between the shores. Other times, they are only a few feet away. That's what our friendship was. Sometimes we were close, but other times we were so distant that we couldn't even see each other. But we were always there.
Each time we grew closer, there was something that didn't feel right to me. It seemed like the relationship was too perfect, too pristine, but forced all at the same time. In some weird way, it felt too good to be true.
And that's because it was. I was desperate for you to like me. Desperate for you to think I was perfect. Desperate for a best friend again.
I didn't require anything of you. You were never asked to pay. Never asked to get me anything in return. Never asked to respond to a text. Never asked to provide the ride. I didn't ask for things, I only gave them. I wanted you to be happy, and that's why I gave you everything I possibly could.
I was there for you when you needed me. Through the anxiety-filled days. Through the "I refuse to gain weight, and I refuse to eat" days. Through the "I want him back" days. Through the days sprinkled with insecure thoughts and the nights bombarded with panic attacks. I was there.
But I have anxiety, too. I have insecure thoughts, too. I have days when I just won't eat because I see an elephant in the mirror. Where were you? You were with someone who would give you attention. With someone who would give you a ride to the movies. With someone who would buy you the banana chocolate chip muffin and coffee you always begged for. With someone who would give you their full attention because I was busy at the moment.
The thing about friendship is... it isn't selective. Friends are friends, and they should be there for each other. Now, life happens, and that's not always possible. But you don't get to pick and choose when you're a friend. It's a full-time job.
I gave you support and advice. I did my best to guide you, because that's what you asked of me. When you asked for help, I didn't realize you were really asking for me to confirm that you were right, and if I disagreed, then my advice was thrown away. You submitted to toxicity, and you couldn't be saved. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how many times I threw you the rope. No matter how many times I tried to drag you out. No matter how many times I fought your battle all by myself.
I didn't realize that every day I was being betrayed. Manipulated. Stabbed in the back. I saw that you had your knife out, but I refused to see it pointed in my direction.
You were buddy-buddy with quite a few people I wasn't trying to mess with or be around. That's fine. I can't control you; I can only control myself. I never asked you to make a decision, and that's why I did. I saw the path you were heading down, and I wasn't willing to travel it with you. It was clear that you would need someone to hold your hand, but I wasn't even willing to give you a high five.
I really did love you. You were a sister to me. I wanted you to be by my side for the rest of my life. I thought that's what was going to happen. But plans change, I guess... I wasn't going to ask you to leave anyone because of me. That's why I made the decision to leave you. You weren't about to make good choices for yourself, so I made one for us both.
You're a human being and you deserve happiness. I hope you do find it. I hope you do find your soul mate and they treat you well. I hope you keep working to get better and find your happiness. But most of all, I hope you find the courage to grow up.
Sincerely,
Your #1 Queen
