I was sitting with my friends when one of them was discussing all of the reasons why she couldn’t ask this guy she likes to go get dinner.

“But I would look thirsty and desperate if I texted him first,” she had said as many of my friends completely agreed, totally un-phased.

“Yeah, honestly it’s best if you just wait for him to text you first…play hard to get and you will gain his respect.” As the words stumbled out of my mouth an immediate shame fell upon me. I couldn’t believe that, as a person who is constantly preaching about feminism and the importance of being independent in today’s society, I had stooped to a level of conformance to the idea that you need to act a certain way to gain a guy’s respect. I was compliant to a standard that has destroyed self-esteem and self-image on so many occasions.

At that point, I couldn’t take the words back…but it did really get me thinking; not only did I start to analyze all of the double standards that young women are subject to in 21st century lifestyle, but I also started to get angry…like appalled. I started to think about all of the criticism, disapproval, and harsh expectations that are either pushed upon or conformed to by young women today. I realized that although men might create some societal expectations and standards, the majority of female insecurities arise from same sex criticism and commentary. My friend wasn’t making the first move because a guy told her not to…it was her female friends that had convinced her she would suddenly become unworthy if she did.

I can think of countless times where I’ve listened to women comment on other’s body shape, sexual history, lifestyle, and relationship choices. On top of that, I have been exposed to numerous occasions in which women refer to others with derogatory phrases such as “slut, easy, ugly, or fat.” It was just Greek Week at my school, a time when sororities and fraternities are supposed to come together for friendly competition. What I noticed? Instead of independent women from different organizations coming together to celebrate and accept differences, the amount of slander and disrespect thrown around from one woman to the next was overwhelming. I attempted to observe the interactions around me and in doing so I overheard comments such as “well she’s a slut,” “it doesn’t matter because she’s fat,” and “she looks so ugly doing that.”

I’m not saying that men are blameless and have nothing to do with double standards - that’s not true at all and there’s a lesson to be learned here for everyone. But unfortunately, all to often women blame men for insecurities, disrespect, and anxieties without ever stepping back and thinking about the common root cause.

So why do we as women justify so many “terms and conditions” when it comes to talking, flirting, and even dating? Why has it become “the norm” for me to tell my friends that a guy won’t respect her if she is confident enough to make the first move? And even more than that, why are derogatory words like “slut” thrust upon self-assured women by other women just because they have the courage to be independent and take control of their own decisions? Who sets these expectations and standards in the first place?

Sometimes it is easy to fall into the trap of bringing other women down to feel better about yourself. Sometimes, it is even easy to conform to the standards set by friends and society about gender roles and expectations. But I urge you the next time you and your girls are having a conversation…don’t make it about Shelly’s ugly hair or Leslie’s inability to get a guy. Respect your fellow women enough to change the conversation; encourage confidence and inspire each other. Please.