In my Writing Non-fiction class yesterday, we were working on six-word memoirs and novels. There're some famous ones out there, like Ernest Hemingway's "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." They speak volumes with so few words. My professor said to aim for humor; they're relatable and easy. I wrote, "Scoliosis from supporting too much weight." I thought it was funny. But then I read it again. And again.
I see a counselor almost every week to work on anger management. I know what you're probably thinking. Anger means someone who is aggressive, throwing things, picking fights. My anger sits in the pit of my stomach, slowly simmering. My anger makes my hands tremble, and tears prick my eyes. My anger is obsessively cleaning the apartment because I need to be doing something, anything to keep myself from verbally lashing out at someone I love. My counselor tells me that anger is a secondary emotion, that I use it to displace how I'm really feeling.
How am I really feeling? Maybe lonely. Maybe sad. Maybe frustrated. Maybe hurt.
If I could identify a love language that best describes the way I provide love for others, it would be Acts of Service. I'm the friend who will ask the waitress if there's dairy in that dish because you're lactose-intolerant. I'm the friend who will get out of bed at one in the morning because you texted me to see if I was busy. I'm the friend who will rub your back when you're so drunk that you're sobbing/throwing up into the toilet. I'm the friend who doesn't depend on anyone because my friends rely on me.
Sometimes it makes me feel lonely. Sometimes it makes me feel sad. Sometimes it makes me feel frustrated. So then I'm angry. Because being angry is easier than hurting.
I'm still learning how to cope and how to let go of my anger. Some days are better than others. It's a process, one that a lot of people don't really understand. Why can't you just let go? Why can't you just move on? Why are you holding a grudge? To be honest, I don't really know why. But I tell myself every day: you deserve love and appreciation. You deserve to have someone do for you what you do for them. You deserve support. You deserve understanding. You deserve to be happy. Sometimes I just need to hear it from someone else. So this is from me, a girl still struggling with her anger, to anyone who needs to hear it.
You deserve to be happy.
