To A Former Good Friend,
I don't know what went wrong. Your decision to completely remove me from your life (without my knowledge) is of course your right, and I have to respect that. However, I am confused.
I'm trying to pinpoint the exact moment where it all went wrong. I find myself thinking about the common causes for ending a friendship and analyzing our experiences together with those causes.
I've never tried to drag you down. I always thought of our interactions being filled with positivity. Compliments. Words of Encouragement. Acceptance. I've kept all of your secrets (and I still do). I've never disrespected you, or your family, or any of your friends outside of our group. Never flirted with the guys you seemed to like. Never made you feel bad for who you are and the things you've done.
I have always encouraged you to reach your full potential, but I've never pressured you do to something that you didn't feel comfortable doing. I never kept score on who helped whom the most. I always heard you out.
When we went out for the same position and you got it and I didn't, I was genuinely happy for you. I am still genuinely happy for you. I honestly felt like you deserved it and thought you'd be great at it. There weren't any hard feelings then. There aren't any hard feelings now. It didn't take long for me to get over it and I moved on to things I enjoy. I didn't even ask you to not talk about it in front of me to save my feelings. I felt like things worked out the way they were supposed to.
I vouched for you. I told everyone that you were a hard worker and dependable. Then you started quitting things that we had joined together. You let me down. You let everyone who took my word about your dependability down. You let the organizations that you worked so hard to become a part of and then quit out of no where down. But I told you that it was ok. Because it was. I understood. College students get overwhelmed. They're busy. You're busy. I am too. I decided that I wouldn't let such a silly, minor thing change our friendship.
When we had a disagreement, I decided that I wouldn't let that change our friendship. When you went and betrayed me by showing personal messages to other people, I was hurt. I was deeply hurt and I couldn't understand why you would ever do such a thing. Nothing prompted it. It came out of no where. I couldn't understand why you would ever do such a thing to me. I wanted to approach you the moment I found out. But I decided against it because I didn't want my emotions to get the best of me and say something that I would regret. Part of me wanted to end our friendship the moment you did that...
But I didn't.
Suddenly you stopped saying "hello" in the halls. You wouldn't even wave back. Not even a head-nod. Most days you just look away. All the places that I frequent, you've been trying to stay clear from. You quit any and everything affiliated with me. You're blowing up on me via text out of no where. Which is fine. It's whatever. But the fact that you've been encouraging others to stay away from me too is immensely upsetting. Am I dirty? Do I have cooties? It's one thing to delete me on social media, that's your prerogative and I can't be upset with you for that, but to put me on a public blacklist (especially for reasons unknown to me)... where did this all come from? Why are you involving others in an Anti-Liz campaign? We had a great friendship and neither one of us deserves a smear campaign. How'd we go from Blair and Serena to Taylor and Katy? I thought we were better than this.
We were going to change the world together. We were supposed to blow campus away with so much feminist 90's girl power. We were going to help people together. We were going to encourage people together. We were going to take this campus by storm and make some real, positive changes. We had plans. We. Now there is no "we." There's not even a "you" and "I." All we have is a complete and total mess.
I would have hoped that if we ever had to end this friendship, that it wouldn't end so horribly. That we wouldn't have crashed and burned so tragically. I think that our friendship, if it was ever as real for you as it was for me, deserves more than this utter ugliness. I think that I initially wanted to say that losing you as a friend is not a loss since you're going to be this way-- but that just doesn't feel right. I think that we both owe each other more than basic pettiness. Pettiness just doesn't make sense to me right now. This whole thing doesn't make sense to me right now BUT:
If this letter finds you, I just want you to know that whatever the reason you decided to end our friendship -- it's ok. I'm ok. And I hope that you're ok. After some of the things that have been said, I know that we have passed the point of no return and this shattered friendship probably cannot be pieced back together again -- and that's ok. I just want you to know that whatever you've said about me, to anyone, I forgive you. And I apologize. Though your feelings for me have drastically changed, my hopes for you have not. I still wish you well. I still wish you happiness. I still wish you success. If we never become friends again (and we probably won't because who in the hell publishes a letter like this), I'll be ok. I hope that in time, you won't hate me anymore, because I've never hated you. And I never will. I may never understand why you chose to do what you have done, and you may never tell me. You don't owe me an explanation, and I don't need one. So let this letter stand as a clean slate, a white flag, and a peace offering.
Your former friend.