Dear Procrastination,
Bro, seriously. What’s your issue? One minute I’m organizing my Google calendar and glowing with the motivation to finish all of my homework, and next thing I know you come in and whack me in the face with three hours of Netflix and a nap. It’s not fair— no matter how much I try to work the muscle of my self-resolve, you always manage to beat me up.
And the worst part is, everyone blames me! My teachers, my mom, even my dog barking at me to not wait until nightfall to walk her— they all think I’m the culprit here, that I willingly do everything in my power to undergo incessant all-nighters and rush all my assignments. As if! They don’t hear your honeyed words in the back of my head, reassuring me that I can always do my homework later, that it doesn’t have to be done right now.
It’s not like I don’t try to organize myself. I make lists. I have a calendar, I set reminders on my phone, I try to plan things out. But for some reason I can never stick to it. I feel like Donald Trump, making a bunch of snazzy statements that sound great but have no real implementation structure behind them.
You know, I thought you were going to disappear when I left to college. Especially at a place like Stanford, I figured that there would be wanted posters with your name on them, because what kind of university gets their prestigious intellectual rep by waiting until the last minute? Well, you got me. Sure, Stanford has its organized warriors of schedules and working ahead, but in every corner of campus, I hear your name in frustrated grunts at three in the morning and I see marks of your presence in frizzed hair and bloodshot eyes. Incredulously, a lot of Stanford kids are just really smart procrastinators. Did I mention I hate you?
But I’m not done yet. I’ve spent years learning your ways, noticing how you operate, which TV shows you like the most, what times of the day you like to start whispering in my ear. Eventually, I’m going to finish an assignment way ahead of time, and it’s going to feel good— finally finding the bug in your computer program after three days kind of good. And when that happens, the domino effect will take over, and I’m going to start beating you up with some freshly proofread papers and thoroughly practiced presentations.
You’re going to lose, Procrastination, my good sir. I don’t care if I’m straight bonkers for personifying a habitual mentality in order to complain. I don’t care that I waited until two hours before the deadline to write this article. All in all, I don’t care if it takes forever to work up the urge to actually start fighting, because mark my words, the fight is coming to you.
Sincerely,
A victimized student
