To The Person I Wish Played A Bigger Role In My Life,
I've been sitting here at my desk for about thirty minutes just staring at my computer screen. Wondering. Wondering about you. Wondering how you're doing, if you're happy, if you're okay. I think you're okay- I hope you're okay- but I don't know for sure. I've been thinking about you lately which is why I decided to write this. But as soon as I sat down to write, my brain froze and I couldn't figure out how to put everything I'm feeling into words. So I decided to start with the basics. Hi.
I wonder if you'll recognize yourself if you're reading this. Maybe you'll realize that I'm writing to you, and maybe you won't. Either way, I needed to write this, for myself. Some people question why I choose to write down my mess of emotions and thoughts and then let other people read it. Sometimes I question myself too, but I continue to do it because it's cathartic. Writing allows me to make sense of everything that's flying around in my head and my heart.
Anyways. I've already said "hello," so now I can move on to what I really came here to say.
I wish you were a bigger part of my life than you are. I wish I could call you when I want to share exciting news with you or when I'm upset and need a comforting voice. Of course, I do have people I can call or text. But I so dearly wish that you were one of them. It sounds silly, I know, to wish for more of something that I already have. Maybe even selfish. Does that make me selfish?
Our relationship is unique. It's not good and it isn't awful right now. It's been both before. It's hard, but I can remember a time when we were friends. Good friends. We played together, laughed together. I also a remember a time we weren't friends. We were enemies. We fought and fought and fought. I've cried over the things you've said to me, but I'd be a liar if I tried to claim that I haven't said some awful things at one point or another to you. I don't know where I went wrong or where you went wrong. I have an idea, but I'll never know for sure exactly when our relationship finally fell apart at the seams. I believe that God has a plan and a reason for everything, but I can't understand why he decided that before we hit 20, we wouldn't know each other anymore.
I've known you my whole life, but I don't really know you. Not anymore. You are a stranger to me. I don't know how I'm supposed to act around you when I do see you, or what to say once we've passed the small talk. It hurts that I can't bring myself to tell how you much I want you to be a part of my life again. It hurts that I'm hiding behind this letter to finally say what I've been longing to say for so long, but I'm still scared to tell you in person. I don't know how you'd react. I'm embarrassed that right now, this is the only way I can speak to you in complete truthfulness. I'm embarrassed that when you do decide to text me that I can't tell you how I feel. I'm embarrassed that I don't text you first anymore. I wait until you speak to me because I don't know how to talk to you. It frightens me that someone can love a person so much, yet have no idea how to even start a conversation with them. And it scares me that you and I may never have anything but superficial interactions again.
I know I need to do better on my end. I guess I've just been hiding from confrontation. Whatever the reason, I promise to do better. But I can't do it alone. I need you to match me, step by step.
If you want to.
And if you do want to, I would be so happy. It will be difficult for sure, but for everything the two of us have been through, I know we can make it. If you don't want to, I'll understand. I won't be angry. Disappointed, yes, but never angry.
We're in different states right now, and maybe that's making it a little easier for me to get this out, but I did it. If you could see me right now, you'd see me crying. When I first started writing, I was crying because it was painful to open up, but now I'm crying because I gave myself the chance to release what I've been holding in.
I didn't write this to make you feel guilty or sad. I wrote this because so many people have someone they wish were a bigger part of their lives, that for some reason, aren't anymore. This letter is something I believe others can find a relation to, in their own lives, in their own stories. Maybe they're afraid to say something, and I hope this can provide the words that they can't find.
I miss you. I miss you and I love you. I think about you a lot.
I'd love to reconnect.