I know it’s been rough lately. I know that you didn’t sign on for this. You didn’t sign on for panic attacks or flashbacks. For being pushed away. For being snapped at on bad days. For repeatedly being cancelled on or worse—being stood-up. For having to question what we are and if I care about you. You signed up for a partnership with mutual respect and love. Instead you the short end of the stick by dating someone who struggles with anxiety and depression.
I want you to know that I’m trying. That I don’t mean to hurt you by canceling plans or by not answering your calls. Sometimes I can’t find it in me to do those things or even tell you that I can’t do those things. It’s not because I don’t respect you or don’t love you; I love you very much and respect you. Sometimes it’s because I’ve used up my “people-minutes” for the day and don’t feel comfortable being around people. Sometimes it’s because I feel so drained that all I want to do is go home and sleep. Sometimes it’s because when we see each other I know you expect me to be happy and on some days I can’t shake being down.
At this point I don’t know what I’d do without you. You quickly became my best friend and most trusted confidant. While you don’t cure my anxiety or depression, you alleviate most of the symptoms. You help me feel safe in large crowds by holding my hand. You talk me down from panic attacks by grounding me. You bring me out of flashbacks by reminding me where I am and who you are. When I’m with you I see possibilities instead of questioning if I’ll even be here tomorrow.
You are the first person I want to go to when I have news and the only person I trust not to gossip about it. You’re the only person I’d ever want to split a pizza with (because I know you won’t judge me for eating half a pizza). You give the best worst advice when I ask for it. You are almost always able to put a smile on my face with your puns. And when you can’t, you don’t stop trying until there is a smile on my face. You remind me that I am beautiful when I’m feeling down about my appearance. You help me feel confident in myself by constantly telling me how much you believe in me. You challenge me to chase after my dreams and support me when I come up with plans to. You push me to be a better person than I was before I met you.
I know that I don’t say it enough, but I wanted to thank you. I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you and all you do for me. From the little things like ordering my food for me to the big things like traveling all the way to campus at midnight when I needed you. I don’t think you realize how grateful I truly am for you caring and supporting me the way you do. I don’t know if you know just how much you really mean to me.
I love you to Pluto and back.
