Dear Grief,
To be blunt and honest, I can't stand you. I've spent many months avoiding you, not even uttering your name because I refused to accept the fact that you were now a part of my life, that I couldn't avoid you but rather I had to learn how to live with you. I spent a few years in denial, pushing you away, pretending like nothing ever happened. But I think I’ve finally come to the point where I can face you and tell you all the things I've tried to say for years, because I've finally found a voice.
I remember when you came into my life a few years back, It was a very unexpected visit, and you definitely took me by surprise because I thought your visit would be short but rather you brought many bags. It was as if you just barged right through my door, you certainly weren't invited and I wasn't very happy that you showed up.
In the beginning your presence was so overwhelming, I just wanted to go to sleep and avoid you forever. Everywhere I looked, you were there. I woke up in the morning and within a few moments you were there. The pain I felt was overwhelming and rather than comforting me and soothing me like a friend, you were always there to remind me again and again why you came to visit in the first place.
After a bit of time had passed your presence just started to annoy me and I became so frustrated. I was so upset when I woke every morning in tears and couldn't understand why you hadn't moved out yet. I just wanted you to leave me alone. Your voice and your reminders started to consume my thoughts and my dreams. It came to the point where I believed I would never be okay again, I would never get to go about my life again without you right beside me.
I saw four sides to you, and I have come to know each of them very well. Each side hurt, some more than others, some felt draining, while others hurt so bad I lost sight of truth. the words you scorned me with reached deep within my heart, and I almost started to believe them, I had reached such a low that believing you seemed almost second nature. But one day I snapped out of it and started to remind myself of the truth, the truth that I learned not too long before. As soon as I started to remind myself of this truth, I slowly started to see you pick up your things, one by one. And slowly I found hope again.
I started to see your things disappear around the time I started visiting my heavenly Father again, once I realized He was all I had left. All I could see was you standing in front of me screaming, speaking lies over my life and He walked in behind you with His arms open wide. His words reached deeper than my heart, they reached my soul. They spoke truth and reminded me that He is good and that this pain you afflicted wouldn't last forever, that soon you would move out. He made your words fade away and made you cower in His presence.
The day you finally moved out I felt relieved, I felt this weight lift off of me. At the same time I reached an acceptance and I was able to say "see you later" as you exited. I’ve realized that you too were an important part of the story. You had to come in order for me to find healing and remember who is the King. I know that your visits are never over, rather they will still happen. But I also now know that the day you come to visit, Jesus will be visiting too.
Your old friend,
The girl who's not so broken anymore
