Having recently gotten out of a toxic relationship of 2.5 years, I’m a prime example of someone who has let someone else control their life and prevent true happiness. Unfortunately, I was aware of all the elements of a toxic relationship, and still the denial persisted. I was stuck in an endless cycle of hating myself because of someone else, all the while yearning for their love.
I’ve decided to use this experience as a lesson, to learn and grow from it. I’ve made a promise to accept myself and recognize my self worth, and I’m here to help other women get out of the same situation I was in just a short while ago.
Believe me, I know how it feels. I made excuses for him, told myself that the good outweighed the bad; but as I take a step back and look at the relationship as a whole, I now see that that couldn’t be further from the truth. If your partner is constantly putting you down or making snide comments that slowly tear away at your confidence, no amount of apologies is worth the long-term damage already inflicted.
It will be hard to move on — no matter how volatile the relationship currently is, there was once a time when he did make you feel wanted and special. It’ll be difficult to realize that the wonderful memories you’ve made together are exactly that: memories that are to be left in the past. You have to come to terms with the fact that the person you fell in love with is not the same person standing in front of you today. Unfortunately, people change and it’s not always for the better. Often times, you’ll fall into a common routine of toxic tendencies and fail realize it because it’s all you’ve ever known, which is exactly what happened in my case.
I know this is going to be hard to hear, but please listen to your friends and family. Trust me, I know how annoying it gets to hear your parents or friends criticize your significant other and point out all the flaws in your relationship — but unfortunately they’re right. I let all my family’s relationship advice go in one ear and right out the other when I should’ve been taking it to heart. They saw the problems from an outside perspective when I was stuck inside my own warped perception of things. As tough as it is to appreciate, mother truly does know best; I’ve definitely learned that from my experience. I also know that, at times, it may seem as though your friends or family are attacking you. But I promise you they are doing so with your best interest in mind; so try to keep an open, receptive attitude to their opinion.
As hard as it is, you need to stop blaming yourself and allowing your partner to take advantage of your passive nature. In my relationship, I was constantly apologizing for things I had never even done because he manipulated every situation. Over the course of 2.5 years, I undoubtedly said the words “I’m sorry” far more times than “I love you," and I realize now that that is not a healthy relationship dynamic.
The next step is to stop making excuses for your partner’s disrespectful and harmful behavior. I was always dismissing my boyfriend’s possessive, controlling ways as protective and caring. If your partner is telling you who you can and can’t hang out with, or controlling what you post online or wear on a daily basis, stop and think, because these are clear signs of a textbook toxic relationship.
Please be smarter than I was and remove yourself from this situation before it’s too late. Don’t be ashamed — there are many others in the same boat as you who are willing to help you in your time of need. Never let anyone determine your self worth or control the way you live your life. You are worth so much more than you think and I only wish that I had listened to my own advice long ago. It’s not going to be an easy journey, but I guarantee it will be worth it in the end. I cannot emphasize this enough: You are not alone.
