To the Real You:
Hi.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile, but I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that it took me so long to realize that I needed to improve some things and actually make an effort to do so. I think that a part of me always knew that I wasn’t completely acting the right way. Maybe I didn’t realize it at the time. Maybe I was too caught up in myself and my emotions. Maybe I did realize it, but couldn’t seem to let myself fix things. Maybe I was always just too scared that if I let go, you wouldn’t come running back like I always thought you would. I can’t go back in time and change things, but please know that I wish I could.
I also want to say thank you. Thank you for making me feel more loved than I have ever felt in my entire life. Thank you for making me understand what it’s like to be in love, the feeling of indescribable happiness just from the sight or sound of someone’s voice. Thank you for being the first person I wanted to talk to when I woke up every morning, and the last person’s voice I wanted to hear before going to sleep each night. Thank you for being the person I was always able to go to to talk about anything and everything, for always letting me cry on your shoulder, for letting me share all of my laughs with you. Thank you for convincing me that you were the love of my life, for making me feel like I found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Thank you for being the absolute best friend I could’ve ever asked for. Thank you for showing me what being in love with someone is supposed to be like.
But most importantly, thank you for finally showing me the truth.
Thank you for showing me that maybe the person I love doesn’t exist. Thank you for allowing me to realize that maybe everything you told me, from being in love with me to being incredibly proud of me, was a lie. I thought for so long that you were the one. I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, but I guess I was wrong. The person I was so proud to call my boyfriend would never verbally abuse me. He would never go out of his way to keep some things a secret from me for our entire relationship. He would never lie to me about anything, actually. He would never intentionally make me feel worthless. During a period of time where I struggled so much, you weren’t really there for me like you should’ve been. When I thought that I was improving, that my anxiety was going away, that I was becoming the independent person everyone wanted me to be, you made me feel like I was nothing and told me that I wasn’t changing for the better but instead, for the worse. My boyfriend would never do that to me.
You did all of that to me.
Thank you for all of this, though, because you have ultimately shown me how I shouldn’t be treated by someone that is in love with me. You have made me realize that someone who is in love with me won’t want me to completely change myself. They won’t bring me down as each day comes and goes. They will love me and support me regardless of the issues I struggle with. They will genuinely mean it when they tell me they are proud of me instead of lying to me when they say it, so that it will somehow motivate me. I’m not your project or your property. I’m a human. Someone who is in love with me will care about me and actually want what is best for me. They won’t lie to me for the amount of time that you did. Someone who is in love with me will make me feel like I am special, not repeatedly make me feel like there is something wrong with who I am. Someone who is in love with me won’t put zero effort into our relationship. They won’t treat me the way you treated me.
Someone who is in love with me will own up to mistakes they've made and will genuinely want to turn things around. Their relationship won’t be worth losing. I won’t be worth losing.
Thank you for showing me that you aren’t going to do any of that.
You’ve shown me that the person I love doesn’t exist. Thank you for finally letting me realize that.
Signed,
The Real Me
Many college aged women have experienced some form of verbal or emotional abuse. On average, 35% of women who are or have been in a relationship have experienced emotional abuse. 58% of college students say that they do not know how to help someone that is experiencing this particular challenge. No one should ever need to experience this type of behavior. If you find yourself in this position, don't hesitate to call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.
