An Open Letter To The Girl Who Used To Be My Sister

An Open Letter To The Girl Who Used To Be My Sister

I just wanted to tell you I love you, and thank you for being my best friend for four years.
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Lately, I've been thinking about you. Not in the creepy sense, but rather in the "I miss you" sense. I've made new friends since we talked last and really care about them, but something is missing in those friendships. Something that we had and somehow lost. I equate our end to a break-up. To me, it was sudden and painful but I think you knew you didn't want to be my sister anymore. I think we had been drifting because life had pulled us in opposite directions.

I wonder if you remember the guy I was telling you about. The one I totally shouldn't have liked but did anyways. The one I shouldn't have gone after but did anyways. I wonder if you think about the past the way I do. Do you wonder if I'm happy at college? I wonder if you even wonder about me? When I look into your life through pictures or social media, I see how well you are doing and it aches. I'm proud of you. You look so happy and I want that for you, even if you may not feel the same for me.

We all have these friends that we "broke up" with but miss terribly. It doesn't matter if you did it or they did, it hurts just the same.

You see, I've been thinking about how when I'm with my friends that something is missing with our friendships. I make a joke and they don't get it. I refer to myself as the nickname you used to call me, and they look at my funny. They don't have the same hobbies and likes. They aren't like us where everything matched. We loved the same things, and my new friends don't even know what they are when I mention them. I know that when I make a joke about something inappropriate, you would've understood and laughed with me. I know you would've gotten it and we would've laughed until we had tears running down our faces. We were like two peas in a pod. So what happened?

Why am I here thinking about a friend I used to know and still care about? Why doesn't she miss me like I miss her? Does she think my ex-friend would've gotten this or loved to do that, like I do for her? Why do I hurt so much still? Why haven't I found someone with that something? I try, really, I do. For a while, I forget about you but then I see a memory on Facebook or I think about how we first met, and the thoughts just come rushing back. I realize I cherished our friendship more. I don't mean it in an insulting way, but I realized I needed you more than you needed me. I needed a friend to talk to and bounce ideas off of. To you, I was good to rant to when you had the time or when you needed something. Our friendship was disproportionate and I didn't care. I loved you like you were my twin and we got separated at birth. To you, I was a friend. A best friend, but never anything more. To me, you were blood.

I really do think about the first time we met, quite often. I think how I never expected you to worm your way into my inner circle and replace the best friend I had already. I never expected to bond over shared interests and family life. I never realized we would become best friends and that we would graduate together, even then still staying friends. You swept into my life, leaving permanent marks. A part of me still wishes you'll be my maid of honor at my wedding and that my kids will call you Auntie. I still have hope that we can be friends, even after that fight.

That fight was so dumb, I actually laugh about it. I don't know how things got so out of control. Emotions were running high, I guess. I know you felt like I got upset for no reason, but I was dealing with a lot that I hadn't told you about. I felt that I couldn't tell you what that quote meant to me. I got so defensive, so quickly, over you "just stating your opinion" because I was handling how I was raped. I was so ashamed to tell you. I didn't know how. Everyone was happy about my first time, so how could I tell you that I begged him to stop, that I wasn't ready? How I would cry every time it happened and then all the way home? I should've told you what that quote meant to me. I'll tell you now, though. "If you are pushing yourself to do something, even a little, then it's a mistake." I was pushing myself to be with my rapist out of fear of failure. I wanted someone to tell me that I was strong and to get away from the abuse. You couldn't have known that, of course, and I shouldn't have expected you to. But I wish you had seen something was wrong with me because I desperately wanted to tell you. I desperately needed my friend.

Does everything make sense now? Why I reacted the way I did? I'm not saying it was right or even justified but things just got so out of hand, so quickly. I was in a bad place. I was in pain and losing my best friend was the nail in my coffin. My fear and wounds changed me, but if they hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten help. I finally told someone and mourned the part of me that was stolen. I think without that fight I wouldn't have done what I needed to heal. Maybe I had to lose everything to finally find myself again.

So here I am, at the end, and I just wanted to tell you: I love you and thank you for being my best friend. I'm sorry for the way things ended. I am sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I miss you.

I love you, always.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Grandmothers Who Made Us The Women We Are Today

Sincerely, the loving granddaughters.
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The relationship between a grandmother and her granddaughter is something so uniquely special and something to be treasured forever.

Your grandma loves you like you are her own daughter and adores you no matter what. She is the first person you run to when you have a problem with your parents and she never fails to grace you with the most comforting advice.

She may be guilty of spoiling you rotten but still makes sure to stress the importance of being thankful and kind.

Your grandma has most likely lived through every obstacle that you are experiencing now as a young adult and always knows just exactly what to say.

She grew up in another generation where things were probably much harder for young women than they are today.

She is a walking example of perseverance, strength, and grace who you aim to be like someday.

Your grandma teaches you the lessons she had to learn the hard way because she does not want you to make the same mistakes she did when she was growing up.

Her hugs never fail to warm your heart, her smile never fails to make you smile, and her laugh never fails to brighten your day.

She inspires you to be the best version of yourself that you can be.

You only hope that one day you can be the mother and grandmother she was to you.

A piece of girl’s heart will forever belong to her grandma that no one could ever replace.

She is the matriarch of your family and is the glue that holds you all together.

Grandmothers play such an important role in helping their granddaughters to grow into strong, intelligent, kind women.

She teaches you how to love and how to forgive.

Without the unconditional love of your grandma, you would not be the woman you are today.

To all of the grandmothers out there, thank you for being you.

Sincerely,

the loving granddaughters

Cover Image Credit: Carlie Konuch

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The Power of Good Roommates

Find the people who make you laugh til you cry and move in with them.

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Going to college super far away can be hard especially when you do not know anyone going to that school. Picking people to live with is terrifying because you never know what is going to happen and everyone hears horror stories about roommates.

But when you finally get roommates who you are friends with, who you spend time with, laugh with and are overall great roommates, it is a totally different game.

I have had my fair share of roommates (living with six different people within three years of college) both pretty good and pretty crappy. It was not until recently I got three new roommates that I learned how powerful having great roommates can be.

I feel that I am a relatively easy going person so I have happily picked random roommates (all but once) but never really clicked with the people I was living with until now.

The three most recent roommates that I have have been by far the most influential and amazing roommates I've had yet. They support me, make me laugh and always include me with everything. There are days where we do nothing but lay on the floor and tag each other in videos on Facebook even though we are less than two feet away from each other.

But most importantly it amazes me how much good roommates can change your overall life.

I used to be a person who rolled through the motions, got stressed WAY too easily, was easily upset and would try way too hard to live a perfect life. But now I am more easy going, I laugh a whole lot more, cry a whole lot less and am comfortable going with the flow. And most importantly HAPPIER.

The very first night one of the new roommates moved in, she knocked on my door and asked me to go bowling with her and some friends (one which was another one of our roommates). We went and I didn't know anyone but had such a good time. Before this night I would sit in my room and not talk to any of my roommates because they were friends while I was not very close with them.

Flash forward a month to day…

Two of us were home and both wanted to go out as a group and both texted the other one to come home so we could all hangout. We are always laughing and smiling, telling jokes, checking in on classes or just how the day went. I used to never want to leave the house or my room but now I feel weird sitting in my room and not being with them.

The greatest part about meeting these people is that I know when we all move out of the apartment in a month I will still have great friends.

You may have roommates that you hate, you may have roommates that you "live with" and you might have roommates that you love. There is so much power in finding people you click with, so I challenge you to find those people who make you want to dance around the living room and laugh until you cry.

Cover Image Credit:

Isabel Parent

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