An Open Letter To The Girl Who Used To Be My Sister

An Open Letter To The Girl Who Used To Be My Sister

I just wanted to tell you I love you, and thank you for being my best friend for four years.

Lately, I've been thinking about you. Not in the creepy sense, but rather in the "I miss you" sense. I've made new friends since we talked last and really care about them, but something is missing in those friendships. Something that we had and somehow lost. I equate our end to a break-up. To me, it was sudden and painful but I think you knew you didn't want to be my sister anymore. I think we had been drifting because life had pulled us in opposite directions.

I wonder if you remember the guy I was telling you about. The one I totally shouldn't have liked but did anyways. The one I shouldn't have gone after but did anyways. I wonder if you think about the past the way I do. Do you wonder if I'm happy at college? I wonder if you even wonder about me? When I look into your life through pictures or social media, I see how well you are doing and it aches. I'm proud of you. You look so happy and I want that for you, even if you may not feel the same for me.

We all have these friends that we "broke up" with but miss terribly. It doesn't matter if you did it or they did, it hurts just the same.

You see, I've been thinking about how when I'm with my friends that something is missing with our friendships. I make a joke and they don't get it. I refer to myself as the nickname you used to call me, and they look at my funny. They don't have the same hobbies and likes. They aren't like us where everything matched. We loved the same things, and my new friends don't even know what they are when I mention them. I know that when I make a joke about something inappropriate, you would've understood and laughed with me. I know you would've gotten it and we would've laughed until we had tears running down our faces. We were like two peas in a pod. So what happened?

Why am I here thinking about a friend I used to know and still care about? Why doesn't she miss me like I miss her? Does she think my ex-friend would've gotten this or loved to do that, like I do for her? Why do I hurt so much still? Why haven't I found someone with that something? I try, really, I do. For a while, I forget about you but then I see a memory on Facebook or I think about how we first met, and the thoughts just come rushing back. I realize I cherished our friendship more. I don't mean it in an insulting way, but I realized I needed you more than you needed me. I needed a friend to talk to and bounce ideas off of. To you, I was good to rant to when you had the time or when you needed something. Our friendship was disproportionate and I didn't care. I loved you like you were my twin and we got separated at birth. To you, I was a friend. A best friend, but never anything more. To me, you were blood.

I really do think about the first time we met, quite often. I think how I never expected you to worm your way into my inner circle and replace the best friend I had already. I never expected to bond over shared interests and family life. I never realized we would become best friends and that we would graduate together, even then still staying friends. You swept into my life, leaving permanent marks. A part of me still wishes you'll be my maid of honor at my wedding and that my kids will call you Auntie. I still have hope that we can be friends, even after that fight.

That fight was so dumb, I actually laugh about it. I don't know how things got so out of control. Emotions were running high, I guess. I know you felt like I got upset for no reason, but I was dealing with a lot that I hadn't told you about. I felt that I couldn't tell you what that quote meant to me. I got so defensive, so quickly, over you "just stating your opinion" because I was handling how I was raped. I was so ashamed to tell you. I didn't know how. Everyone was happy about my first time, so how could I tell you that I begged him to stop, that I wasn't ready? How I would cry every time it happened and then all the way home? I should've told you what that quote meant to me. I'll tell you now, though. "If you are pushing yourself to do something, even a little, then it's a mistake." I was pushing myself to be with my rapist out of fear of failure. I wanted someone to tell me that I was strong and to get away from the abuse. You couldn't have known that, of course, and I shouldn't have expected you to. But I wish you had seen something was wrong with me because I desperately wanted to tell you. I desperately needed my friend.

Does everything make sense now? Why I reacted the way I did? I'm not saying it was right or even justified but things just got so out of hand, so quickly. I was in a bad place. I was in pain and losing my best friend was the nail in my coffin. My fear and wounds changed me, but if they hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten help. I finally told someone and mourned the part of me that was stolen. I think without that fight I wouldn't have done what I needed to heal. Maybe I had to lose everything to finally find myself again.

So here I am, at the end, and I just wanted to tell you: I love you and thank you for being my best friend. I'm sorry for the way things ended. I am sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I miss you.

I love you, always.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To the girl who left us behind

You may have thought that it was best for you, but in reality you were only helping us

To the girl who left us behind,

I graduated in 2017. Nearly one year ago. When you graduate you expect to stay in touch with some people, but you accept that there are some people who you will probably never see again, let alone talk to. After walking across the stage, getting my diploma and attending all of the graduation parties I said goodbye to some people, forever, without even knowing it.

For almost as long as I can remember I have had three best friends. We were practically inseparable since 6th or 7th grade. It was rare that you would see one of us without at least one or two others around. We spent weekends at each others houses, played on the same sports teams, joined the same clubs, and practically did everything together. The boys that we would hang out with would make fun of us because they noticed it seemed to them that we couldn’t do anything without the others. It wasn’t that we couldn’t do anything alone, we just enjoyed being around each other, we were best friends.

That was until we graduated. We were best four best friends until we walked across the stage, said our goodbyes after the final graduation party and parted ways as we went to college. It didn’t even take until college to see who was really my friends of the four of us, it was less than a week before I never heard from one of my so called best friends ever again. And for this, I could not be more thankful.

In our group of four there was always a clear line, two and two. I loved the other two girls but I was always just better friends with one girl. It had been like this for forever, and everyone knew it, not just us. But once we graduated it became extremely true. But it didn’t break two and two. It was one and three. And this was sad and frustrating at first, and then ended up being a great thing, for all of us.

Nearly 9 months without talking and I knew all hope for the friendship was gone once i saw she tweeted ‘my biggest glow up feature in college was my friends’. At the time yes, this pissed me off. I texted my other friends as soon as I saw it and sad things like “I don’t know what is worse, that we were great friends and put up with her shit. Or that we still sat in that house last week, were the bigger people and acted like nothing ever happened even though we all know we don’t talk to her anymore.” The amount of time I spent with this girl, the amount of secrets of mine she held, the amount of late night memories we shared and there was nothing, no explanation, no final goodbye. Just complete silence. There was that tweet which made it pretty clear she had no interest in being friends with us anymore.

But it made me a better person. I realized that the entire time we had been friends she was tearing me down. She was killing my happiness and I never even noticed it. Our relationship was a toxic one and she did me the biggest favor in the world by cutting me off, because I was afraid to do it myself.

She thinks her biggest ‘glow up’ was her friends. And knowing her, that is probably exactly what she believes. But that is NOT mine. My biggest glow up was growing up, realizing my worth and surrounding myself with people who truly care about me and radiate positivity. And I am thankful and blessed that the people I have surrounded myself with now continue to be with me through this entire process. I am continuing to learn everyday that people who make you feel like you’re not worth anything are never worth your time. I have grown and realized that you can give someone one million chances, you can give them all of your time and love and compassion and understanding. But if they don’t want it or they think they are to good for it than you are better off being left on read, or completely left behind. AND THAT IS OK.


The girl who is finally happy now that you're gone

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I Love Being An Aunt

Aunt- a person who can give hugs like a mother, keep secrets like a sister, and share love like a friend.

While home for spring break, I was able to spend some quality time with my four year old niece and my two year old nephew. Both of them boost my mood and remind me just how much I love the joy that kids constantly carry around.

I have been an aunt for almost five years, and it is one of my favorite things about my life. There's a special place in my heart for these kids, and I can't begin to explain how much they mean to me. My niece and I bond in a way that makes my heart so full of joy. She is constantly running to me with her arms wide open for a hug. She always wants to hang out with me, and it makes me feel so important. Not to mention, spoiling her is one of my favorite things to do!

My nephew has such a big personality for his age. He loves when I give him piggy-back rides and hurt myself on purpose. His smile is contagious and his heart is already so so big. Him and my niece are both so friendly and can make me laugh for hours.

I would love to be a mom one day, but being an aunt is something that is truly unique and wonderful. I feel so protective over these two smiling kids. I would do anything to help them have the best life ever. They have amazing parents and grandparents. so I know that they are blessed and happy.

I am truly a proud aunt. I get so excited to show my friends the cute pictures my sister posts of them. I always feel so sad when my niece just can't understand why I have to keep leaving her to go back to college. But she is always there to greet me when I come home after my long, seven hour drive. Her grin and laugh keep me going.

I hope to be an aunt to even more wonderful little kids. Nothing fills my heart up and fulfills my time at home more!

Cover Image Credit: Google Images

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