An Open Letter To The Girl Who Used To Be My Sister

An Open Letter To The Girl Who Used To Be My Sister

I just wanted to tell you I love you, and thank you for being my best friend for four years.

Lately, I've been thinking about you. Not in the creepy sense, but rather in the "I miss you" sense. I've made new friends since we talked last and really care about them, but something is missing in those friendships. Something that we had and somehow lost. I equate our end to a break-up. To me, it was sudden and painful but I think you knew you didn't want to be my sister anymore. I think we had been drifting because life had pulled us in opposite directions.

I wonder if you remember the guy I was telling you about. The one I totally shouldn't have liked but did anyways. The one I shouldn't have gone after but did anyways. I wonder if you think about the past the way I do. Do you wonder if I'm happy at college? I wonder if you even wonder about me? When I look into your life through pictures or social media, I see how well you are doing and it aches. I'm proud of you. You look so happy and I want that for you, even if you may not feel the same for me.

We all have these friends that we "broke up" with but miss terribly. It doesn't matter if you did it or they did, it hurts just the same.

You see, I've been thinking about how when I'm with my friends that something is missing with our friendships. I make a joke and they don't get it. I refer to myself as the nickname you used to call me, and they look at my funny. They don't have the same hobbies and likes. They aren't like us where everything matched. We loved the same things, and my new friends don't even know what they are when I mention them. I know that when I make a joke about something inappropriate, you would've understood and laughed with me. I know you would've gotten it and we would've laughed until we had tears running down our faces. We were like two peas in a pod. So what happened?

Why am I here thinking about a friend I used to know and still care about? Why doesn't she miss me like I miss her? Does she think my ex-friend would've gotten this or loved to do that, like I do for her? Why do I hurt so much still? Why haven't I found someone with that something? I try, really, I do. For a while, I forget about you but then I see a memory on Facebook or I think about how we first met, and the thoughts just come rushing back. I realize I cherished our friendship more. I don't mean it in an insulting way, but I realized I needed you more than you needed me. I needed a friend to talk to and bounce ideas off of. To you, I was good to rant to when you had the time or when you needed something. Our friendship was disproportionate and I didn't care. I loved you like you were my twin and we got separated at birth. To you, I was a friend. A best friend, but never anything more. To me, you were blood.

I really do think about the first time we met, quite often. I think how I never expected you to worm your way into my inner circle and replace the best friend I had already. I never expected to bond over shared interests and family life. I never realized we would become best friends and that we would graduate together, even then still staying friends. You swept into my life, leaving permanent marks. A part of me still wishes you'll be my maid of honor at my wedding and that my kids will call you Auntie. I still have hope that we can be friends, even after that fight.

That fight was so dumb, I actually laugh about it. I don't know how things got so out of control. Emotions were running high, I guess. I know you felt like I got upset for no reason, but I was dealing with a lot that I hadn't told you about. I felt that I couldn't tell you what that quote meant to me. I got so defensive, so quickly, over you "just stating your opinion" because I was handling how I was raped. I was so ashamed to tell you. I didn't know how. Everyone was happy about my first time, so how could I tell you that I begged him to stop, that I wasn't ready? How I would cry every time it happened and then all the way home? I should've told you what that quote meant to me. I'll tell you now, though. "If you are pushing yourself to do something, even a little, then it's a mistake." I was pushing myself to be with my rapist out of fear of failure. I wanted someone to tell me that I was strong and to get away from the abuse. You couldn't have known that, of course, and I shouldn't have expected you to. But I wish you had seen something was wrong with me because I desperately wanted to tell you. I desperately needed my friend.

Does everything make sense now? Why I reacted the way I did? I'm not saying it was right or even justified but things just got so out of hand, so quickly. I was in a bad place. I was in pain and losing my best friend was the nail in my coffin. My fear and wounds changed me, but if they hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten help. I finally told someone and mourned the part of me that was stolen. I think without that fight I wouldn't have done what I needed to heal. Maybe I had to lose everything to finally find myself again.

So here I am, at the end, and I just wanted to tell you: I love you and thank you for being my best friend. I'm sorry for the way things ended. I am sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I miss you.

I love you, always.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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A Letter To My Sister For Her First Semester In College

Some Advice to My Sister For Her First Semester

To My Sister,

I'm going to start by saying how proud I am of you and your accomplishments thus far and making it to the first step of a long but important journey of your life, college.

It seems like only yesterday we were just two kids who wanted to both be pop stars when we grew up so we prepared by performing at places like nursing homes and festivals to prepare (even though we got over that phase by the time we hit 5th grade). I'm writing this letter to you in hopes of giving good advice and wisdom from my 5 years of struggling as a college student.

Never Give Up On ANYTHING

You need to believe that you can do anything that you set your mind to because YOU CAN. I know it seems like the impossible when you're trying to pull that first all-nighter to finish a paper that is due in the morning but you got this! Even if you don't believe in yourself just remember that I do.

Stay Focused On What You Want To Accomplish

College is an awesome, fun experience in your life and I know how distracting everything else can be but make sure to focus on your projects and assignments. I know I sound like our mom but trust me when I say do your assignments for your classes because good grades lead to the things that you want most to accomplish in the future. Stay focused on what you want to accomplish and the rest will follow suit.

Always Know I'm Here For You

I promise that I will always be a text or call away if you need any help with anything. Even if you are having a tough time with deciding what you want from Taco Bell, just give me a call. You also have a wonderful family that will make a great support system (You know because I'm part of that family). I will always be by your side no matter what happens; it is kind of my job as your big sister after all.

Go Out And Explore

Explore on your own and figure out what you are most passionate about. Go join some clubs or participate in an intramural sports team. Find your passion; who knows it might just lead to what you want to do for the rest of your life.

Have Fun

Go make some friends, go to social events organized by the campus, go party (just not too hard). Remember that there is always time to take a break from the work of college and have a little fun. You can't just sit in your room all day and study till your brain is fried. Working hard comes with the relief of having a break every once in a while as well. College is a once in a lifetime experience so don't miss out on it.

I love you with all of my heart. We have been through thick and thin together and can't wait to see what the future has for the two of us. I'm ready to see what you can accomplish and know that YOU CAN DO IT!

With Love,

Your Big Sis

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The Most Thoughtful Gifts I've Ever Received

Personal and Significant

During Winter Break, my family and I spend ten days in Scandinavia doing touristy activities like dogsledding and ice fishing. At the end of the day, as I was gazing up at the star-studded night sky, I felt extremely grateful for the gifts I have received throughout my life, including this trip.

Although gifts come in all shapes and sizes –– jewelry, books, trips, technology –– I truly treasure the ones that are personal and that hold a special meaning. Here are a just a few of the most thoughtful gifts I've received.

Gift: Placemat

From: Roommate

Significance: I've grown up with pretty much the same group of people, so it was hard making completely new connections when I moved to college. My roommate now was my suitemate last year, and our relationship has come a long way. The placemat composed of photos of our fondest memories together shows that she also appreciates our friendship and values all that we have been through.

Gift: Riding boots

From: Parents

Significance: This pair of boots is important to me because it represents the support that I have always wanted from my parents. Attending university has been a stressful transition for me, but even more so for my parents. That's why they initially didn't support my decision of joining the Equestrian Team on campus. Once I proved to them that I'm passionate about riding and I can handle academics, they began to loosen up the reins. But it was when they bought me this pair of riding boots that I really knew they wanted me to be a part of the team and that they supported me.

Gift: Decorative cards

From: Sister

Significance: This simple present made up of six pieces of paper is easily my favorite. Printed on the front of each card is a collage of art from a Studio Ghibli film, and on the back is written virtues of the main character that relates to my personality. Not only did she pick six of my favorite Ghibli films, she also wrote descriptions of me that encourages me to this day. Example: (for the film Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind) "Like Nausicaa, You have a irrefutable love for life and an insatiable curiosity that will take you into places unknown..."

This list does not indicate that I don't appreciate other gifts that I've received. These are just the gifts that I think are unique to me and testifies to the relationship I have with the giver. Maybe these can help you think of creative presents to give to special people in your life.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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