BuzzFeed recently put out this article. Although I don’t identify as a woman, this article still hit me really hard because when you’re as fat as I am, these are some of the most recurring thoughts and feelings you have on a daily basis. It seems to me that the problem isn’t that the people in your life want to come off as annoying or judgmental, it’s just that they don’t understand the things that are implied in phrases like, “I’m only saying it because I care about you.”

One of my favorite things (peep that sarcasm) is when people try to become my doctor. My doctor is a lovely woman. She lets me know when my health is getting out of hand. Most recently, I was in perfect health except for my asthma which I am well aware (as I’ve been told many times) will get better as soon as I drop about 1/3 of my body weight. Now, I know all of these things about my own body, but other people do not. You think that would deter them from telling me that my cholesterol is an issue, but it does not. In fact, when people see me eat a slice of pizza, I watch them. I see the exact moment that they decide that they know my medical history, and then I wait for their mouths to open. I can usually expect some variation of, “You should try a salad next time. Aren’t you a little worried about your cholesterol?” Well, the answer is no. I am not even a little worried about my cholesterol because my doctor, who handles my blood tests and results and lets me know what’s going on in my flesh prison, hasn’t told me I should be worrying about it. My insurance doesn’t cover the stupidity of people around me who think they know better than my physician, and I damn well won’t pay out of pocket to hear people tell me what they believe I should worry about. I also have no clue why you, a stranger, feel the need to come up to me and discuss my eating habits. Would you do that if you saw someone thin eating a burger with cheese and extra bacon or is she “allowed” by your standards to eat something like that? If your answer to the former part of that question is no, then take some time to think before you speak.

Another thing I absolutely adore is the moment a friend or family member decides that they’ll show how much they care about you by publicly shaming your habits. Yes, uncle whom I try not to see very often, I understand that I should be exercising more often. I also understand that eating this baked ziti isn’t the best choice for me. I know I said a few months ago that I wanted to start going to the gym and eating healthier because I said those things to YOU and now you are just repeating them back to me in a manner that is more condescending than caring.

I also am an adult that knows how to make decisions for myself. They may not always be the best decisions, or the right decisions, or the healthy decisions. But that doughnut I ate for breakfast is in MY digestive system and not yours. Funny how bodies work, isn’t it? And many times, the people that “care about my health” are the same ones that go home later that night, tuck themselves into bed and think, “I sure am glad I’m not that fat.” These people think that fat people have no idea that this is how they really feel, but we do know. We know every single time you go home and tell your family how much fatter we’ve gotten since last time you came over. We know what you mean when you say, “Wow, you must’ve had a light lunch.” It’s bad enough we have constant reminders in mainstream media that we are automatically ugly, lesser, and undeserving of love and affection. These are things we pick up from strangers. But to have friends and family make you feel like an outsider and even go as far as to act like you can’t be trusted to make your own decisions with your body feels much, much worse than coming across a Tinder profile that says “No fatties.”

This is a moment for you to reflect on how you treat the fat people in your life. Recognize that when we don't want to eat a salad we aren't going to order one, and you recommending one will not make us suddenly say, "Oh my God thank you I think that's actually what I wanted!" It will make us feel like shit, but it still won't get us to change our eating habits. Your own personal spin on the Dear Fat People video will only succeed in making us eat our feelings and become further depressed than we already are. For some odd reason, people have always assumed that fat shaming, pushing people into dieting, and harsh treatment of fat people would be what pushed them into health, but it turns out that they are wrong. Statistics show that fat people who are supported and encouraged when they decide to make a lifestyle change end up losing more weight in the long run and actually keep it off for good. So, next time you're “worried about our health”, don’t say anything to us. Those of us who want to change will make the change, and then we’ll ask you to come grab a salad with us, and we might decide to join you at the gym sometime. But until then, treat us like you would any other person.