Dear Guardian Angel,
I miss you. Plain and simple. Time has passed. They say that heals all, but there are some cuts left to my wound that have not closed. I wonder often about the times I missed your calls or put off your texts for an hour or two. Could I have done more? Was there something I missed? As I attempted to find comfort, I found myself in a whirlwind of anguish hoping that there would be answers around the corner.
I remember getting the call. It was a day just like any other. Glass shattered on the kitchen floor as I had dropped the glass in hand upon hearing the news you had taken your own life. My appetite left me and so did any chance of sleep. I left every tear I had in my body on my pillow. Weeks went by. Weeks turned into months and months to years. I sometimes still feel that lump in my throat I did that night. It seemed like just days before you were full of giggles and that adventurous attitude I adored so much about you. At this time in our lives, we were still under the impression we were invincible, so to have you ripped away in a matter of seconds was unfathomable.
One of the hardest things to swallow is knowing that I will never hear the sound of your voice singing to the CD I made you. You certainly weren't Frank Sinatra by any means, but those off key, carefree sounds are something I often wish I had recorded. I still have some voicemails left. Some letting me know you were impatiently waiting in my driveway while I took too long to get ready, and some just to say hello and you loved me.
Did we always agree? Of course not. You were just like a sibling that I never had. Even when it got down to the nitty-gritty of whatever we were arguing about, 99% of the time it ended with us taking a drive around our favorite neighborhood with the windows down just to cool off. Not a day goes by that I wish I would have seen the pain in your crystal blue eyes. The ones I thought I knew so well.
There are so many things I wish I could have shared with you. I had always pictured you being there every step of the way. I should have never taken any of our moments together for granted. Your decision to leave was something I will never understand. Behind you left a family, full of undeniably loving and beautiful people. Your brothers, your sisters. Your parents. Part of me wants to be angry with you. However, I know that is just my tangled and selfish emotions getting the best of me.
Losing you was one of the hardest things I have come to face. Being just a young adult myself, it was incredibly difficult coming to terms that I had to live the so-called "best years" and every year after that without you. Your laugh, the way you smell, your favorite songs and that blue sweatshirt you always wore. You were my best friend. Even when I could see you, I always called you my guardian angel and today that could not hold more true. I know you are with me everyday. My achievements, my failures. I feel your excitement and comfort. Wherever you are, I hope the drinks are cold and your heart is full.
I still visit your grave. I look at your picture often and now take comfort that your sweet face will never be wet with tears again. I hope you read the letters I left last summer.
I love you.
Forever yours,
A Healing Friend
